


Love & Stage Crew

by DebSarcasticPlight



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety Attacks, Child Neglect, Chubby Castiel (Supernatural), Depressed Castiel (Supernatural), Drug Abuse, Drunk Castiel (Supernatural), Early 2000s - Freeform, Gratuitous Theatre References, High School Castiel/Dean Winchester, Hospitalization, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Insecure Castiel (Supernatural), Low Key references to New England, Openly Bisexual Dean Winchester, Recreational Drug Use, Self-Harm, Stage Crew, Stressed Dean Winchester, Suicide Attempt, Teen Angst, Underage Drinking, Wordcount: 10.000-30.000
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-16
Updated: 2020-04-25
Packaged: 2020-09-01 22:34:21
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 17
Words: 20,902
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20265580
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DebSarcasticPlight/pseuds/DebSarcasticPlight
Summary: Dean Winchester is just starting his Jr year of High School and is somehow already overburdened with sky-high expectations and responsibilities. Will he be able to leave the drama in the Drama Department, buckle down on his studies, and focus on his future? Or will Dean give in to his heart and allow himself to become romantically entangled with new kid Castiel, despite mounting concerns over Cas's frequent substance abuse and mental health...?





	1. Chapter 1

Dean watched the new students gathering around the stage from his spot hidden away atop the main stage catwalk. Overall it looked like there was a decent turnout for Drama Club this year. Who would actually stay on with the stage crew vs. who would defect as actors was still yet to be determined?

"I'm ready if you're ready…" Dean mumbled flipping shut the pliers on his multitool.

Charlie nodded sheepishly at Dean, and together they descended the spiral staircase to the stage below. As they joined their fellow students, Mr. Macleod, aka Crowley, was already underway trying to bring the meeting into order. A hush fell over the other kids while Crowley attempted to explain the gist of basic theatrical operations and expectations for the semester. Once he'd announced that the fall play would be Shakespeare's "Macbeth," Becky, a freshman, gasped loudly and raised her hand.

"Becky-- Rosen?" Crowley asked, glancing over his attendance lists.

"Umm, isn't it like bad luck to say the actual name of 'the Scottish play' inside of the auditorium?" Becky squeaked dramatically.

"Actress," Dean whispered to Charlie with an eye roll before heading backstage.

As Dean approached the scene shop door, he spotted a new student out of the corner of his eye. While he didn't consider himself to be super popular at North Hillside High, Dean always paid attention to other students. He definitely recognized this odd straggling kid from some of his younger brother's classes. The boy in question was also giving off a distinctively sketchy vibe. He was clad in a full suit, long trench coat, and absolutely reeking of cigarette smoke.

"I'm umm, looking for Drama Club…" the kid asked in a gruff voice. 

Catching his gaze, Dean noticed that the guys' deep blue eyes were suspiciously red and glazed overlooking. Dean hesitantly pointed in the direction of the main stage, to which boy shuffled off.

"We always get the weirdos…" Dean said aloud with a shrug once the other boy was mostly out of earshot.

"How's it looking out there, Brother?" Benny asked as Dean entered the scene shop.

"A good turnout overall, mostly gonna be actors though," Dean smirked.

"So, same old, same old kinda deal then?" Benny wondered aloud, his grin widening.

"Pretty much…" 

Dean was trying hard, not to concern himself with the random stoner kid. It helped that he had other and more pressing concerns to distract himself with.

It was his Junior year of high school; In addition to his student technical directing work-study, Dean had also bumped up to three AP classes this year and was volunteering with the guidance department's helpline. Just the night before, Sam had given him a long-winded lecture concerning the importance of 11th Grade. He'd reminded Dean that colleges would be scrutinizing this year's grades on his outgoing applications the following fall. 

Dean sighed deeply; He knew that it could all be a manageable task if he kept his nose to the grindstone and somehow managed to avoid all the drama outside of the theater dept.

***

Castiel Novak was sufficiently stoned by the end of his first full day at North Hillside High School. He was a second-year freshman, having flunked out of 9th Grade the previous school year. He took solace, however, that with his families' constant moving and relocating, nobody here had been the wiser. Comparatively, the school day had been shockingly similar and mind-numbingly boring. The only silver lining had been the procurement of an unmarked bottle of prescription pills during his last period drama class.

As Castiel unlocked his front door and slipped inside, he was grateful that both his parents were still at work. He dropped his backpack in the hallway, feeling a hand into his front trench coat pocket and gently shaking the pill bottle therein. Heading upstairs to his room, he wistfully wondered if he had managed to buy Oxy or Vicoden today? In truth, though, he didn't really care. All that mattered was that he could sustain his high long enough to get through tonights' family dinner. Just thinking about the meal ahead left him with pangs of anxiety and a low-key nauseous feeling in the pit of his stomach. So without further ado, Castiel popped two mystery pills eager to unwind.

***

"Dinner Sammy!" Dean called out for his brother at the first ding of the microwave bell.

"Its Sam…!" Sam argued back, approaching the kitchen and sitting down.

"Reheated Winchester Surprise… Mwahaha!" Dean chuckled, passing a plate across the table to his younger brother.

Sam grimaced slightly at the steaming plate of meat and melted cheeses.

"So… How was your day?" Dean inquired after taking a large bite of casserole.

"Really great, actually! I've already read most of the books on the syllabus for English, Jess is in both my History and Math classes, and I'm super stoked for Physical Science!" Sam reported eagerly.

"Nerd!" Dean coughed loudly.

"Whatever Dean… Did Crowley announce the fall play yet?" Sam eyed his brother while he picked at his dinner.

"MACBETH! But I'm actually pretty excited about building it… Bobby showed me the set design, and there is going to be a turntable and some secret passages…" Dean trailed off.

"Um, Theater Geeking much there?" Sam laughed.

"I have a crescent wrench in my pocket, and I'm not afraid to use it, Sam!" Dean replied flatly.

***

Castiel felt his body filling with a pleasant emptiness, as the drugs hit his system. He was just drifting along, lost in listening to the radio when there was a knock on his door.

"Castiel?" His mother asked through the door.

Cas shot up quickly and nearly fell off of his bed at the sudden parental interaction.

"Mom! Ye-yes, yes!" He answered, trying to stay calm while cracking open his bedroom door.

"Your father is home, and dinner is almost ready…"

Naomi studied Castiel's face briefly before reaching out to place a hand on his forehead.

"Are you coming down with something, Castiel?" She finally asked.

"Maybe?" Cas croaked.

"Perhaps Michael should bring your dinner up to your room then? I, for one, don't want to become contaminated…" Naomi worried aloud.

"No, I'm fine, Mom. I just had a long day of quality educationing!" Castiel replied, giving his mom a thumbs up.

"Okay, well, Michael is already setting the table! You might as well come on down then and join him," Naomi informed him.

Before joining his family for dinner, Cas excused himself to the bathroom. Splashing water on his face, he tried to app convincingly sober. When he finally did enter the dining room, he was unsurprised that everyone had started eating without him. Meanwhile, his older brother Michael was regaling his parents with stories of having once again made the varsity football team.

Cas slumped into his chair and began piling mashed potatoes and meatloaf onto his plate. Once again, he found himself to be the invisible boy in the room. The upside of forever languishing in his older brother's shadow? A low conflict existence and being able to ride out the end of his high for the rest of the meal undisturbed.


	2. Chapter 2

"Honey, I'm home!" Dean yelled, kicking the scene shop door open with his steel-toed combat boots. 

"Hey, Darling! How was your day!?" Charlie chuckled, pretending to peck Dean on the cheek.

"Same as always, but with a shit ton of homework!"

As Dean fully entered into the shop, he realized that no one was actually working yet. Instead, everyone seemed to be huddled around and intently watching Stoner Kid from the day before. The boy in the trench coat was sweating profusely, his eyes having had glazed over as he chowed down on what looked like a 40 pc pack of Chicken McNuggets.

"Ohhhhhh My Word! Is he already trying to beat Benny's record on only the second day of school?"

"I think so… But the new kid is also stoned as fuck." Charlie shook her head. 

"Isn't it a little early in the school year for hazing freshman Benny?" Dean yelled across the room.

Benny smirked and shrugged as Castiel popped the last chicken McNugget into his mouth, chewing somewhat mechanically. Cas paused a moment as he swallowed before swaying a bit on his stool.

"Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa..." Dean groaned.

Swiftly Dean thrust a nearby trashcan at Castiel just in time for him to puke up everything he'd just eaten.

"Better luck next time, brother!" Benny chuckled and patted Cas on the shoulder before heading out onto the main stage to work.

Eventually, when Cas had stopped throwing up, he staggered out of the scene shop. His head was spinning, and his breath came quickly in short intervals. Stepping out of the theater building, he desperately tried to will himself to take deeper breaths hoping to stave off the imminent panic attack. Absentmindedly, he reached into his trench coat pocket for whatever bottle of pills he had there. He shook the bottle gently, yellow pills… Was it Ritalin today? Without giving it a second thought, Cas dry swallowed three of them down.

***

Dean was zoned out, cutting two by fours with the circular saw when Sam tapped him on the shoulder from behind.

"What have I ALWAYS told you about sneaking up on a guy when he's using a saw!? I mean, could've lost a finger or something…"

"I called your name like three times, Dean!"

"Oh, so its a crime to wear ear protection while working around heavy machinery!?"

"Are you ready to go yet? The library is closed, and your carpenters are listening to that scary death metal again in the auditorium…" Sam Whined back.

"Yeah, alright, you wanna call Joe's and order large meat lovers pizza while I finish up?"

"Half meat, half… veg?" Sam pleaded

"Fine, whatever... As long as they keep the damn veggies outta my meat!" 

***

The sun was setting as Dean parked the Impala in front of Joe's Spaghetti & Pizza. He handed off a twenty to Sam before leaning forward to rest his head on the steering wheel. It had been a short yet long first week back to school; Even with the weekend now finally upon him, Dean was dreading the sheer volume of homework that he would have to produce over the next few days.

"You can't always get whatcha want… Mmmm hmm… Cant always… What you WAAAANT!" 

Dean was startled from his thoughts by someone's loud offkey singing nearby. He looked over and was somewhat shocked to see Stoner kid from school, now drunk, maybe? And haphazardly stumbling past the Impala.

"Seriously…?" Dean mumbled to himself.

"You can't always... whatcha…" 

Castiel sang as he shuffled along, he had opted to chase his Ritalin high with some cheap vodka in hopes of achieving some sort of mellow in between. He wasn't quite there yet but felt lighter and somewhat floaty all the same. Far too high to have a sense of personal space, Cas turned the corner a bit too quickly and abruptly collided head-on with Sam. The pizza went flying, and Cas went down.

"Seriously!" Dean groaned, pushing himself up and out of the car.

"Oh shit! He just— He came outta nowhere! Dean—!" Sam stuttered, trying to rescue their pizza, taking in the seriousness of a very unconscious Castiel.

"This kid again! You get in the car Sam," Dean gestured to the Impala while bending down to scrape Cas off the sidewalk.

"We'll bring him home with us and hope he comes back around… Mom should be home from the hospital soon, although I suspect he just needs to come down from something or other." Dean quirked an eyebrow as he settled Castiel in the backseat.

***

Cas awoke to a new and throbbing sensation in his head, duller than a hangover but still just as painful. Without thinking, he reached for comfort in the front pocket of his trench coat.

"Yeah, I've removed your personal pharmacy for the night there, buddy…"

Cas blinked profusely as his new surroundings slowly came into focus. He found himself awkwardly sprawled out on the bottom bunk of a twin-sized bed. He sat up intentionally slow while looking around, vaguely recognizing Batman's insignia emblazoned upon both the sheets and comforter. Cas nodded to himself; He had certainly woken up in weirder and more uncomfortable places after a trip, and this room was even kind of peaceful.

"So, what did you take exactly…?" Dean blurted out, becoming suddenly frustrated with the situation overall.

"Ritalin to go up and Alcohol to come down… You know?" 

Castiel was still feeling pretty disoriented; Avoiding eye contact, he instead focused on the row of classic rock posters adorning the far wall of the room.

"Yeah, I really don't really do drugs, though!"

In a single movement, Dean spun around in his desk chair, effectively breaking Castiel's line of view. He gave the other boy a quick once over before thrusting a glass of water and a bottle of Tylenol into his hands.

"Thanks, Dean…" Cas muttered wearily as he swallowed down the pills with ease. A small smile danced across his lips as he realized that was safe here. Leaning back onto the bed again, his eyes began to fall shut once more.

"So, what do they call you? Just so I know, in case you OD or something?" Dean deadpanned.

"Castiel James Novak," Cas sighed, not opening his eyes.

"And I'm not gonna overdose. Well, probably not, not tonight anyway…"

"Well, that's... That's just great, Cas!" 

While he tried to sound snarky, a sizable lump forming in Dean's throat. His helpline training flashed through his head suddenly, and Dean forced himself to ask the question forming in his mind directly.

"You would never try to kill yourself for real, would you Cas…?"

As an afterthought, he reached out and rested a hand gently on Castiel's shoulder. Cas moved into the touch, nuzzling Dean before nodding a definitive 'no' as his response. 

"Alright… Well, the bottom bunk is all yours if you wanna spend the night? My mom is a Nurse at Hillside Hospital. she's working a double shift right now- but I'm sure she would be 'cool' with you staying over and all." Dean trailed off, noticing that Castiel was already gently snoring.


	3. Chapter 3

Castiel ended up spending the entire weekend with the Winchester Family. Surprisingly, he was able to maintain being sober for the whole duration as well. Dean had only caught him twice in the act of downing pills. Upon further inspection of the bottle, Dean saw that Castiel's actual name was in the prescription header.

"I get kinda low sometimes… But uh, doesn't everybody?" Cas had tried to explain about the pills at the time.

While Dean figured that the statement was true enough, he'd also begun to worry about his new friend. Not everybody gets low enough to warrant a prescription for antidepressants, he thought. And what exactly was going on that Cas was mixing his meds with booze and pills Anyway? Moreover, why didn't his parents seem to mind their son being gone all weekend long? Dean's protective older brother instincts were being kicked into overdrive. So he vowed to keep an extra watchful eye on Cas while he was in his company. 

Castiel proved to be an excellent houseguest, effortlessly charming, both Sam and Mary. He'd happily offered to wash dishes both nights and assist with other chores on both of his stay. More impressively still, he'd managed to entertain Sam in a similar tone of witty banter as Dean himself enjoyed.

He was also highly intelligent, engaging Dean in a ridiculously nerdy conversation concerning the themes of fate, loyalty, and free will in Shakespeare's Julius Caesar. Dean was quite taken aback by this, as the play topped out his own 11th Grade AP English reading list.

By the conclusion of their time together, they had begun to establish their own rapport. Dean felt strangely at ease with Cas even in spite of the newness of their friendship. An unusually strong bond was already forming between them, and Dean knew intuitively that Cas was important.

***

Dean arrived backstage as quickly as possible after classes Monday afternoon. Bobby had informed him earlier in the day that the big lumber order would be in, and Dean was downright giddy to begin building the master turntable.

"…Is that a crescent wrench in your pocket…? Or are you just happy to see me?" Castiel slurred.

Dean's heart flip-flopped and promptly sank upon witnessing his severely inebriated friend.

"Awwww, Cas! Your Drunk!"

"Guilty… guilty…!" Cas mumbled thickly while pantomiming 'hands up.'

"You can't be drunk backstage, Cas! It's like one of our ONLY rules! There's too much heavy scenery and- Power tools, Cas!? You cannot operate power tools wasted!!!"

"Geez Dean, I'm sorry!-I didn't even think about it that way…" Castiel's eyes dropped to the floor as he began to amble backward.

"Cas! Hey! Do you want me to give you a ride home…? I just gotta get this wood unloaded outta Bobby's truck and—"

"No man, s'ok, I'm okay… Imma- uh, just gonna go home an'...I'll sleep it off!"

Before Dean could follow Cas, Bobby entered the shop with his signature gruff and disgruntled look.

"So which one of you idgits is gonna help me unload my damn truck already?"

***

By the time Castiel actually arrived home, he felt like total shit physically and mentally. He had opted to down his entire flask of vodka as he had walked, his mind becoming sloppier and slushier with every step. Mostly though, he was still haunted by Dean's disappointment in him and his behavior. Over the weekend, Castiel had developed a pretty major crush on the older boy. He'd been anxious all day, hoping to impress Dean with his carpentry skills that afternoon.

Falling back and into his bed, Cas's mind was awash with depression and guilt. Determinedly Cas reached into his trench coat pocket and fished out the last of his Adderal stash. He downed the remaining three pills automatically and without a second thought.

***

Following his interaction with Cas, Dean was consumed by a feeling of dread all afternoon long. He felt stupid too in having allowed himself to believe that sober-fun weekend Cas would somehow last into the school week. The reality of his friends' on-again drug spiral was absolutely soul-crushing, to say the least. 

An hour or so after the wood had been sorted and stored away in the scene shop, Dean gave in and tried calling Cas. As every consecutive call went to voice mail, he began to panic and eventually flagged down Charlie up in the lighting booth.

"Hey, so… I gotta do a thing! Could you possibly give Sammy a ride home today?" Dean begged.

"Well, that doesn't sound suspicious or anything…!?"

"Charlie, please? I'll owe you big time, I promise!"

"Yeah sure, no problem, just- Don't forget to wear a condom, okay!" Charlie winked at him suggestively.

Dean raced to the student parking lot, jumped in Baby, and booked it to Castiel's house. Upon arriving, his fears multiplied tenfold when he discovered Cas's front door was standing wide open.

"Cas…?" Dean called out as he entered the small townhouse.

"Hello? Anyone home…?" Dean shut the front door behind him before rushing up the main stairs. The second floor was significantly cluttered with unopened moving boxes as it dawned on Dean just how recently transplanted his friend had been.

"CAS!" Dean roared loudly, his anxiety now in full swing.

Much to Dean's relief, he heard a faint groan from one of the bedrooms nearby. Charging the door, it swung open to reveal a mostly incoherent Castiel.

"Dean…" Cas murmured, a dopey smile stretching across his face.

"Your here… I thought you were all mad at me, but now you're here…!" 

Castiel's head lolled backward, his eyes beginning to fall shut.

"Cas! Cas? Stay with me, man… What did you take? Cas!?"


	4. Chapter 4

Castiel was jolted back into consciousness 11 minutes later under a freezing cold shower. Coughing and sputtering, he managed to rattle off a long string of expletives through badly chattering teeth.

"What the actual fuck, Dean!?" Cas glared, as residual water droplets cascaded down his face.

"Fuck you, Cas!!! I thought you were dying! I thought you were—"The words caught in Dean's throat, his adrenaline waning.

"Shit Cas, you looked like you were already dead!"

Cas hesitantly began to stand, pressing his back to the tiled wall behind him. His soaking wet clothing clinging to his every attempt at movement.

"Well," Cas began slowly, taking in the sight of Dean before him, disheveled and seemingly on the verge of tears.

"…Your not gonna get rid of me that easily!"

Dean shook his head sadly as he helped his friend climb out of the bathtub. Holding back tears, Dean carefully draped him in a nearby towel. Cas stumbled when he tried to walk, Dean managed to catch him and snaked an arm around his waist for support. Together with the two boys tediously progressed back to the bedroom, Castiel leaning heavily onto Dean.

When Cas had changed into dry clothing, Dean joined him sitting together on his bed.

"Cas…" Dean began slowly.

He paused briefly, looking over his friend, who was now slumped up against his headboard. Cas's eyes were somehow sparkling blue again; either his friend's demeanor had improved significantly? Or more likely, Cas was just really this good at faking it, Dean guessed.

"What's going on with you, man?" Dean asked finally.

"What do you mean?" 

"Seriously!? First, you show up completely wasted backstage after school! Then I find you here, barely able to talk, and then you just passed out! I mean, take your pick Cas!" 

Dean stood up abruptly and began pacing the room, trying to formulate some sort of safety plan. Castiel became extremely quiet, refusing to look Dean in the eyes.

"Listen, I'm just- I'm worried about you, Cas. I really like you! But more than half the time I've known you- you've been seriously fucked up on drugs or something!"

"Yeah…" Cas whispered, finally looking up, he nodded in agreement.

"I uh- I'd understand if you wanna go. Don't worry, Dean, you wouldn't be the first person to have- Cut their losses..." Tears were beginning to form behind his eyes.

"No way, Cas! I wouldn't be here if I didn't wanna help you, okay?"

"That's just it, though- I'm kind of a lost cause Dean!" Cas chuckled despondently.

"Pack a bag right now, Cas!" Dean ordered.

"I know you were doing better over the weekend! You're coming home with me!"

***

Mary rushed Dean as he crossed over the threshold, throwing her arms around him in a tight hug.

"I didn't know what to think when Charlie brought Sam home- And you weren't picking up your phone!"

Dean slid his phone out of his pocket then, and sure enough, four missed calls from 'Mom.'

"I am so sorry to make you worry, Mom…" Dean glanced over his shoulder at Cas, and Mary understood that something was up.

"Castiel!" She sung before stepping forward, hugging him too, and offering to take his coat.

"I'm so glad you could join us. You uh, know where Dean's room is…" Mary gestured down the hallway.

"Why don't you go relax, and Dean will be there in a moment, okay?"

Once Castiel had disappeared, Mary eyed Dean knowingly.

"Cas got drunk at school today, and then he passed out," Dean sighed as the words tumbled out.

"He won't talk to me, and I didn't know where else to go or what else to do…"

"Okay, well, you brought him home... So, we'll just figure this all out together," Mary reassured, placing a hand on Dean's shoulder.

"Go get your friend, and I'll reheat some dinner for you both."

***

Cas scarfed down Mary's pot pie, as he hadn't really eaten anything all day long. He texted his mother that he was staying over again at Dean's to work on an assignment for school, and unsurprisingly she had agreed to it. After dinner, when Cas offered to do dishes, he was caught off guard by both Mary and Dean unceremoniously ushering into their living room.

"Dean told me you had a rough day today, Castiel." Mary addressed Cas abruptly.

Cas nodded as a wave of shame swept across his features.

"I want you to know that you are welcome to stay here as long as you need to. But no more drinking and no drugs-"

"Will uh, these be acceptable?" Cas asked sheepishly, offering up his own bottle of medication for Mary's inspection.

"Prozac, huh!" Mary knew from her Nursing job that these were some pretty heavy-duty antidepressants.

"How about I hold on to them for you while you're here? And you can take them as prescribed, Okay?"

Cas bit his lip and nodded, glancing over to meet Dean's gaze.

"Alright, well, you boys undoubtedly have homework to do before bed…?" 

Mary stood up from her seat on the couch, she paused, looking between Dean and then to Cas. She worried again about not knowing all of the details over what she'd just gotten herself into.

"I'm so happy that you're here with us, Castiel!" Mary announced, shedding her fears and opting instead to pull Cas into a much-needed hug.


	5. Chapter 5

Cas liked drugs, and in truth, he always had. When he was small, his mother would give him Tylenol with a hug if he were sick. Sometimes after getting shots at the doctors' office, she would even try playing with him or maybe buy him some small toy. 

When he was thirteen, Cas attended middle school in a boring suburb just outside of Chicago. Part of his seventh-grade experience there included a unit on Drug & Alcohol Education. For the first time in a long time, Cas felt like he excelled at something. He had no trouble doing his homework or completing assignments on time in class. Mostly he paid attention because he was genuinely interested in the discussions about uppers, downers, and their physiological effects on cognition. It amazed Cas that something so benign as a little pill could alter a persons' whole perception of reality so significantly.

When he was fourteen, his family moved again because his grandfather was entering hospice care, and his parents had wanted to be nearby. Cas had never really had much of a relationship with his grandfather before that year. This was mostly because the man was extremely ancient, completely deaf, and had been bordering on senile long before the Cancer had taken hold. Nonetheless, Cas had been tasked with reading to the man; This essentially meant long hours, sitting alone and staring into space while the old man slept. One day Cas decided to pop some of his grandfather's Oxycontin out of boredom and a complete lack of adult supervision. He never looked back.

Eighth Grade was an especially tough year for Castiel. First, his grandfather passed away shortly after Christmas, then just before the school break ended, his parents announced that they were moving yet again. Throughout the transition, Cas became more and more noticeably withdrawn. On the first day at his new school, he outright refused to get out of bed. Though his parents had initially threatened and berated him, eventually, they just gave in and left him at home. Things rapidly deteriorated to the point where Cas stopped eating, bathing, and had developed a flat, catatonic affect. Finally, after two weeks, Naomi decided that enough was enough and called in a psychiatrist who prescribed Prozac.

Fortunately, the "happy pills" seemed to take hold quickly. Without further ado, Castiel returned to his normal state of happy compliance. He went to school and made actual friends this time, granted they were more eccentric then popular. He began attending late-night parties and sleepovers, where he also began drinking alcohol and experimenting with more drugs. As long as he kept his parents minimally informed of his whereabouts, everything remained perfectly copacetic. 

***

At the beginning of October, Dean could feel himself on the verge of burnout. His homework had intensified in volume, and he was beginning to get low-key panicky over the upcoming PSATs. The set for Macbeth was mostly completed but was having some ongoing issues. A trapdoor in the pit kept getting stuck during rehearsals, and no one had yet acclimated to scene changes using the turntable. Every day was proving to be a new headache of broken scenic elements that needed to be redesigned. 

Dean was grateful, however, that Cas had managed to stay sober and appeared to be thriving. He had, of course, been going far out of his way to make sure his friend remained steady. Whether that meant Cas spending the night or driving an extra couple miles to pick him up before school, Dean didn't mind. At lunchtime, they met each other in the scene shop to share food and check in about the progression of their days. At the end of every day, Cas arrived backstage to help work on the upcoming play. He adapted to tool usage and stagecraft quickly and before long was serving as assistant to the master carpenter for Macbeth. 

Every weekend Cas slept over at The Winchester's. Whenever Mary had to work late shifts or overnight, he would help with cooking dinner or do the dishes afterward. Dean had eventually implemented a mandatory movie night when it brought to his attention that Cas had never seen anything of Star Wars or Harry Potter. Every Friday thereafter (and most Saturdays), they'd make popcorn and buy too many snacks. Next, they would then curl up together on the sofa and binge-watch films that Dean deemed fundamentally quintessential. Sometimes when it got late, Cas would nod off, resting his head on the other boy's shoulder. Dean enjoyed these moments the most, knowing that Cas was close by him and, therefore, safe.

***

On the first Friday of November, Dean awoke to twenty-seven new texts from Castiel all just shortly after 2 am. Bleary-eyed, he scrolled through them, wondering what was so damn important that Cas was blowing up his phone? Most of the messages discussed the ongoing set problems; apparently, Cas had had some sort of epiphany. Some of the texts were just really random thoughts; Memes mixed up with deep-sounding questions about the nature of the universe. When Dean did meetup with Cas on the way to school, there was definitely something off. Much like the texting the night before, Cas was speaking almost a mile a minute.

"How much coffee did ya have to drink today there, buddy?" Dean asked, gently patting his friend on the shoulder.

"No coffee at all! No drugs of any kind, either. I swear... I'm turning a page Dean, and my mind is finally crystal fucking clear!" 

By lunchtime, Cas was downright hyperactive! It was cheeseburger day, Dean's favorite day of the entire week. His backpack weighed heavily on his shoulders, as he struggled to balance his Calculus textbook in one hand and a precarious cheeseburger in the other. Already feeling drained from his day, Dean was eager to just sit down and eat lunch already.

"Hello! Dean!" Cas shouted hysterically, jumping out and blindsiding his friend entirely.

"Oh fuck, Cas, you scared the crap outta me!"

"I'll fuck you anytime, anywhere…!" 

Cas began to giggle while attempting to waggle his eyebrows seductively. There was an awkward pause between them as Dean felt his face start to heat up. Cas continued to stare just a little bit too long, his endlessly blue eyes focused like a laser upon Dean's own. The energy of the room had changed somehow, much like a sudden chill before a thunderstorm. 

"Oh! I love this song! Charlie, will you turn it up, will you? Pleeeease?"

Unexpectedly Cas leaned into Dean's space planting a kiss gently on his cheek. Immediately afterward, he manically spun away and joined in with Charlie dancing to the music. Cas had to be back on the drugs, Dean thought to himself sadly. It was just the only possible explanation for his behavior.


	6. Chapter 6

The rest of Dean's day dragged by, allotting him plenty of time to worry about Cas. He contemplated staging an intervention before reminding himself that Cas's own family was mostly uninvolved with his life. Midway through Latin, Dean got pulled out of class and ordered to the theater by a telephone call. He worried while he walked that something drastic had happened to the set; Like a flat toppling on to someone unsuspectingly. So Dean was significantly relieved when Bobby greeted him with an anxious smile outside the backstage door.

"I didn't want to go and get the principal involved just yet, but we have ourselves a bit of an incident brewing up on the roof with your idjit pal Cas."

"Castiel is on the roof!?" Dean asked, trying to mask the panic that he suddenly felt.

"He showed up last period and offered to help out hanging lights, he did seem a little jumpy... Anyways next thing I know Charlie says he's up on the roof and won't come down. I figured it made more sense to pull you outta class than try and go up myself,"

"Sure thing Bobby, I'll take care of this— I'm sure it's just some sort of misunderstanding or whatnot."

Dean pushed past the Technical Director then, crossed the stage, and started running once he reached the spiral staircase. The top of the stairs was the equivalent of the fourth story of the school, and Dean could feel the air getting thin as he pushed open the hatch leading out to the roof. During summer-stock, sometimes when the weather became oppressively hot, crew members would come up here to cool off and maybe smoke a cigarette. During the school year, the door was usually shut tight to avoid suspicion from other students and the schools' administration.

Dean spotted Cas immediately as he stepped onto the roof, and it was apparent that something was very wrong with his friend. Castiel's head was tilted downwards while his knees were pressed tightly against his body. Dean's heart sank at the sound of Castiel's light sobbing. Instinctively, Dean reached out to him, placing a firm hand on Cas's shoulder before pulling him into a hug. Within their embrace, Dean could feel the other boy's body shuddering against his own, every sob reverberating into a hallow whimpering noise.

"You're going to be okay Cas,"

"Dean- I can't even think right now, everything is just spinning so fast," Cas looked up, and Dean could see his pupils were blown while his eyes were spastically tracking side to side.

"What did you take, Cas? More Ritalin?" Dean probed calmly in a soft voice.

"No! I told you! I didn't take ANYTHING!" Cas yelled loudly into Dean's face before jumping up and pulling away from his friend.

"Okay! Okay, okay, I believe you!" Dean pleaded as Cas stepped disturbingly close to the edge of the roof.

Cas stopped suddenly, a foot or so away from the drop-off, his body froze, and he began to stare trance-like into the distance.

"Come on, Cas! I believe you, man! Please come back to me?" Dean bit hard into his lip, watching as his friend wobbled slightly before heading back towards him.

"Everything- It's all- my thoughts and my mind- It's all moving so fast and yet still so slow! I think I'm being torn apart, Dean!"

Just then, his friend abruptly shut his eyes and placed his hands over his ears. For a moment, it seemed as though Castiel heard something that the other boy could not. Dean welcomed the opportunity, however, and once again pulled Cas flush against his own body. Together they stayed in each other's arms until Dean was sure that Castiel was lucid enough to guide back inside.

***

Despite his mounting responsibilities, Dean took the afternoon off with Bobby's blessing. Charlie promised to drive Sam home, and Dean was confident that she could hold down the fort throughout rehearsal. Once back home at the Winchesters' house, Cas became unusually quiet. Both boys settled themselves in Dean's bedroom, and within moments, Cas was asleep.

Dean stayed closeby his friend's side, sitting on the lower bunk for a solid hour just watching him breathe. Leaning back against the pillows, Dean recalled the days' events trying to make sense of Castiel's odd behavior. He wanted more than anything to believe that Cas was telling the truth and that he had stayed sober. At the same time, Dean worried that if Cas wasn't on drugs, what was causing his erratic behavior?

Suddenly Dean was reminded of his and Cas's conversation on the way to school. Carefully, he shifted his weight enough to pull out his phone and google 'antidepressants cold turkey.' Sure enough, a list of familiar symptoms popped up: Mood swings, mania, fatigue, dizziness... And the last one, Increased risk of suicide, especially caught Dean's attention.

"What's going on with you, Cas?" Dean whispered as he hugged his friend closer.

***

When Mary got home that evening, she was surprised to find Sam, alone and reading quietly in the darkened house.

"Where's your brother? Doesn't he usually start dinner before now?" Mary glanced, looking down at her watch.

"Drama at the Drama Club," Sam shrugged before sitting up.

"Charlie said something about Dean having to talk Cas down off the roof? And when I got home, they were both already asleep so…"

"Alrighty, I'm gonna go check in with your brother, why don't you order a pizza or two? Nothing too spicy, though." Mary put down her purse and handed her credit card to Sam.

Once outside of Dean's room, Mary knocked twice before letting herself in.

"Dean?" She whispered, scanning the room.

Mary was somewhat taken aback upon spotting her son in bed, crushed up beside Castiel. All the same, she bent down and rubbed Dean's back soothingly as he began to stir.

"Mom? What time is it? I must've fallen asleep, or something-" Dean replied groggily.

"More like or something?" Mary smiled, trying hard not to smirk.

"Cas had a hard day," Dean trailed off.

"You don't have to explain anything right now, honey. Sam is ordering some pizza, so you two just make your way to the kitchen when you can, okay?"

"Yeah, okay," Dean nodded as his head fell back against the pillows.

Dean couldn't believe just how truly exhausted he felt in the aftermath of everything that had happened earlier on in the day. Before Mary could even slip out of the room, Dean was asleep again, peacefully snoring and cradling Castiel against his chest.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW for attempted suicide at the end of the chapter...

Cas had awoken first, his mind alive and thrumming with an intensely nervous kind of energy. He could feel his heart racing and his lungs burning as he gasped to catch each breath. He shut his eyes tightly, biting down onto his lip until he could taste blood. Somehow the salty-copper taste of it brought him back though, the room stopped spinning, and his breathing began returning to normal.

"Shit!" Cas muttered to himself.

Mornings like these were the exact reason that he had started doing drugs in the first place. As he shifted his body in the bed, his eyes immediately fell to Dean’s sleeping form curled in around his own. Cas sighed deeply, and for the slightest of moments, he considered kissing those perfect lips like some sort of prince in a fairytale. A wave of deepening sadness stopped him, though.

How many weeks had passed that Cas had tried to get a read on his friend's sexuality? He’d abstained from drugs and booze, worked closely with him backstage, and spent most of his waking hours by Dean’s side and yet? Cas was still no closer to guessing whether or not his best friend shared in his feelings of attraction. Suddenly Dean all cuddled up asleep, and next to him in bed was overwhelmingly too much to bear. Tears tracing down his cheeks, Cas was bombarded with feelings of loneliness and deep, hard-wired grief.

***

“Hello, Dean,” Cas croaked as Dean began to stir into wakefulness. Dean stretched and wiped the drool from his chin before realizing that he was still in bed next to Cas.

“Oh, umm-” Dean flinched slightly before untangling himself from the bed.

“I take it we both crashed pretty hard last night, then?” Cas asked.

Dean tried to steady himself on the edge of the bed, looking back at his friend and trying to feel out the situation.

“How much of yesterday do you remember Cas?” Dean finally inquired.

“To be honest, not much, Its all kind of hazy…” Cas stared blankly, his brain grasping at trying to recall the previous day.

“Ok-” Dean nodded, trying to figure out exactly how to phrase his next few words.

“So, umm, I found you up on the roof after school, and- You weren't doing so well, Cas." Dean paused and looked up, trying to catch those bright blue eyes before continuing to speak.

"Have you been taking your meds? Like regularly?”

“Maybe?” Cas shrugged slightly.

“You don’t sound too sure exactly?”

“Maybe, I ran out of them? Maybe- I felt like taking a break from them for a while?” Cas speculated while avoiding Dean’s stare.

“Isn’t there like a doctor or shrink or somebody you NEED to ask about that first? Before you just stop altogether like that?”

“Nope, not really!” Cas sighed and began to fidget with his thumbnail.

“Maybe there really should be, though?” Dean wondered aloud.

***

Dean hated how easy it was for Cas to mentally shut down, forcing an end to some of their most crucial conversations. It seemed to be his go-to move whenever they hit upon a topic that was too heavy or too personal. One moment they'd both be fine and talking, then before Dean could help, Cas would fold in on himself, effectively ending all means of communication.

The kitchen smelled of thickly of coffee as Dean tried to distract himself reading and re-reading the note that Mary had left him. He knew Sam had gone off to hangout his girlfriend Jess; Dean worried about how he could possibly fill the day while keeping an eye on Cas. He sipped his coffee slowly, blurring and unblurring his eyes, trying to figure out what to do next.

Suddenly Dean heard a loud crashing sound from the bathroom, something like glass breaking. He jumped to his feet and rushed down the hall to find the bathroom door shut. Dean banged on the door while twisting the knob, but it was locked from the other side.

“Cas!? You ok in there, buddy?”

Dean pressed his ear tightly against the door, fearing that he could just barely hear what sounded like Castiel sobbing.

“Cas! Open the door!” Dean yelled, banging again on it.

“Go away, Dean!” Cas moaned from the other side

“It will be b-better this way! You will be better off without me!”

Without hesitation, Dean grabbed his screw gun from the toolkit in the hall closet and went to work at taking the bathroom door off its hinges. When the door was finally freed, Dean pushed it forward and to the side, only freezing up when his eyes fell on Cas.

“Shit! Shit, shit, shit!”

Dean panicked as he took in the scene of his friend slumped over the toilet, blood pooling by Cas’s left wrist. Dean grabbed a nearby bath towel and wrapped it around his friends’ injury, trying to apply pressure while lifting the heavy limb above his Cas's head.

“Come on, come on! Please stay with me!”

Dean tried his best to ignore his tears while pulling his friend’s lifeless body towards his own. Gently, he rested Castiel's head on his shoulder and pulled out his cellphone.

“911 what’s your emergency?”

“My uh- my friend just tried to kill himself! He's cut up his wrist and-There is so much blood! I can’t seem to get the bleeding to stop!” Dean gasped as the words spilled from his mouth.

“Can you apply pressure to the wound?”

“Yes, I've been trying to do that- but it's still bleeding, and Cas- My uh friend- I can't wake him up!”

Tears overtook Dean then, his breathing hitched in his throat, and he swore he could feel Castiel's spirit slipping away.

“Help is on the way, sir! There is an ambulance about seven minutes out!” The operator assured.

“Oh-okay,” Dean whimpered.

“Just tell them to hurry, please!”


	8. Chapter 8

Within moments of locating her son amidst the waiting room chaos, Mary swiftly pulled Dean into a tight hug. She knew that he'd been waiting alone and for several hours already. Castiel's condition had deteriorated much before it had improved; Mary had wanted to wait for a definitive "all clear" before updating her son.

"Okay, so, the good news is that you did absolutely everything right," Mary soothed.

"There is no doubt in my mind that your quick thinking saved Castiel's life!" Mary rubbed her son's back as he crumpled into her arms.

"Is Cas going to be oh-okay then?" Dean stuttered.

"Yes! The doctors were able to stop the bleeding, and they've stitched up his arm…" Mary smiled sadly as she searched her son's emotionally shaken gaze.

"But his bloodwork suggests that Cas probably took some pills as well- So they're still working on pumping out his stomach as we speak."

"I really thought he was getting better, Mom," Dean sobbed.

"But then he stopped taking his meds and stopped talking to me and- Oh God! I don't know what I even would have done if-" 

Dean cut himself off as his mind began to spiral into the worst-case scenario territory. What if Cas had been successful? What if Dean hadn't heard the bathroom mirror breaking? What if-?

"Take a deep breath, sweetheart!" Mary whispered.

"Because of you, Castiel is going to be alright! He's safe now, and he is surrounded by people who will be able to help him!"

***

After two hours of failing to get in touch with the Novak's by phone, Mary gave up. She collected her son and proceeded to smuggle him past the security guards into Castiel's room. While it was against the rules for underage patients to have nonfamily visitors, Mary felt that both boys had been through enough today. She knew what was coming if Castiel's parents remained unreachable and figured that Dean's support could only help.

Dean was shocked by how vulnerable his friend looked, still asleep in his hospital bed. Cas's wrist had been tightly bandaged all the way up to his elbow, while both arms were securely encased in padded restraints.

"Those are just there for Castiel's safety- I'm afraid it's Hospital policy for these kinds of situations," Mary informed.

"Once he gets evaluated by a psychiatrist, I'm sure those restraints won't even be necessary."

Dean shrank into the chair nearest to Castiel's bed. Tentatively he leaned in closer to his friend before gently taking hold of his hand.

"You come and get me as soon as he wakes up, okay? Or you can press the call button…" Mary hesitated a moment in the doorway before Dean nodded in her direction.

***

Castiel's whole body ached; his arms especially felt heavy as he stirred back into conciseness. His thoughts were hazy as if his brain had been filled up with cotton balls. Despite his immense relief upon seeing Dean again, the feeling was short-lived when Cas realized that he was restrained to the bed.

"Cas!" Dean startled.

"It's okay, it's okay! I'm gonna go find somebody who can get those things off of you…"

Cas could sense tears hiding behind Dean's smile as his friend fled the room. Before Cas could assemble any more thoughts, the small room had filled to capacity with new people. Amidst the flurry of activity, Cas found Dean in the background, a worried expression etched into his features.

"Castiel? I was asking if you knew where you were?" 

Cas blinked profusely, before attempting to refocus his attention. He startled slightly as he was confronted with a petite brunette woman eying him angrily.

"Hospital" Cas croaked.

"Yes, and- Do you remember why you are in the hospital?" 

Cas shook his head still trying to untangle his memories from his dreams.

"You came here by ambulance this morning. Your friend says that he found you unconscious," The Doctor gestured quickly in Dean's direction before continuing.

"You've suffered severe wrist lacerations and what appears to have been an Aspirin overdose."

'Huh.' Cas thought.

Castiel continued to feel somewhat disoriented as the Doctor spoke. As he honestly had no recollection of the events being described to him. The woman paused, giving Castiel a knowing look and writing some things down on his chart.

"We haven't been able to get ahold of your parents, Castiel. Is there anyone else that you can think of that we could call for you?"

"Gabe! My uh- my oldest brother Gabriel." Cas blurted out. 

The Doctor scrutinized Castiel while he wrote down his brother's contact information. Then she made a big show of confiscating her pen when Cas was done.

"We'll be keeping you here, in the psych ward, for the next 72 hours- Or until we can get in contact with a family member! I'm going to be nice and give you some time with your friend here and catch up on paperwork…" 

The woman glanced over at Dean.

"I'm ONLY allowing this because he saved your life today, Castiel. You'll have a couple of hours before they transfer you to the psych ward."

Dean lingered in the corner wearily until the Doctor left the room. Only when he was sure she'd really gone did he approach Castiel's bedside at last. Once within reach, Dean sought out and took hold of his friend's good hand. Without hesitation, he bowed his head down to kiss Castiel's knuckles.

"I don't know what I would have done, Cas-" Dean's voice trembled as he squeezed his friend's fingers almost too tight.

"You are so important to me, and I need you and-" 

Dean fiddled with the bed rail, lowering it amidst the restraints. Cas's heart fluttered, skipping a beat as Dean climbed next to him in bed.

"I was just so scared for you today." Dean murmured before tears overwhelmed his emerald green eyes. Unexpectedly Dean nuzzled into the crook of Castiel's neck, and he could feel the wetness of a stifled sob. When Dean's breathing finally seemed to be evening out, he surprised Cas again by kissing him. The event was short and sweet and left Castiel feeling lighter. It almost seemed like everything was going to be alright.


	9. Chapter 9

No belts, shoelaces, hoodies with strings, or any other clothing that could conceivably cause someone harm. Cas's wallet and cell phone were confiscated upon arrival and locked away. He'd then been asked to sign off on a listing of the contents of his pockets. The Hospital issued Cas a medium-sized pair of green scrubs. They were better than nothing since his PJs were still stained with blood from his earlier misadventures.

"Maybe your parents can bring you something from home…?" The Nurse asked awkwardly.

Ah yes, his parents! Who as of yet, still hadn't responded to multiple inquiries by phone or text. Mary Winchester had even driven over to the Novak residence and tried knocking on the front door. But no dice as it seemed his family was still otherwise occupied.

"They're probably just still away for work- They have to do a lot of traveling!" Cas tried to explain.

The Nurse showed Cas to his room, it was single occupancy with a twin-sized bed. The cinderblock walls were painted institutional white and had no windows to 'maintain safety.'

"Cozy." Cas deadpanned.

Next, the Nurse lead Cas to the common room. Lots of seminar-style seating, a large table, and whiteboard adorned walls. Toward the back of the room, a ceiling-mounted television was safely concealed behind thick safety glass.

"This is where I'll leave you- the rest of your hall mates should be back from lunch soon…" The Nurse informed, looking at her watch.

"Did you get anything to eat in the Emergency Room?"

Sigh, Cas thought back to the Emergency Room and Dean. Before he'd officially been admitted, a tray of food had been delivered to him: Macaroni and cheese with broccoli, neon blue jello, and no silverware.

"Seriously? How are you even supposed to eat without a fork?" Dean had inquired sarcastically.

"I doubt I'd wanna eat that crap anyway, Dean…"

"C'mon Cas, you haven't eaten anything all day, and they pumped your stomach, remember? Plus, the food here isn't so bad, at least it wasn't back when I had my appendix out two years ago…"

Dean had disappeared for a before returning triumphantly with a spoon.

"This was the best they had to offer," Dean smirked, passing the utensil to Cas.

Cas contemplated his meal, looking between the spoon, Dean, and the now cold tray of unappetizing foods.

"At least try the jello, Cas? It's almost the same color as your beautiful blue eyes…?"

Castiel had full-on blushed at this omission despite the sappiness of Dean's words. But he'd happily eaten all of his jello anyway without any further complaints.

"Yeah, I've eaten," Cas finally replied before realizing that he was all alone again.

***

"Mother-fucking, cock-sucking, PIECE OF SHIT!!!?" Dean yelled before throwing the C Clamp that he'd been working with halfway across the scene shop.

"Heeey there," Charlie cooed, coming up behind Dean and wrapping her arms around his waist.

"Fuck, Charlie! I can't do anything right today, and tech is next weekend!!!"

"Cas is gonna be 'ok' Dean…" Charlie reassured.

Dean bit his lip and looked down at her. He'd only known Charlie since freshman year, but somehow she always knew exactly what was going on inside his head.

"Uh-huh!" Dean nodded.

"For reals, though, how are you doing with all of this?"

Dean thought for a moment, his weekend had been a whirlwind of stress and chaos. Saturday, he'd been terrified to find Cas bleeding out on his bathroom floor and had to call 911. He'd been relieved to find out that Castiel was 'ok,' but then panicked again to learn that he was being admitted to the psych ward. Overwhelmed by everything, Dean had let his emotions get the best of him. And he'd gone on to kiss Castiel while he was restrained to a damned hospital bed. 

Dean didn't for one-minute regret having kissed Castiel. He'd been crushing on the guy for a while now, just waiting for life to calm down a bit. Dean still worried about the timing of everything, though. 

"I don't even know," Dean finally answered.

"Have you heard anything from Cas or your Mom?" Charlie smiled sympathetically.

"Nope. Cas doesn't have any phone privileges, and Mom still hasn't been able to get ahold of his parents…"

Suddenly a loud knock on the scene shop door ended Dean and Charlie's chick flick moment. Charlie spun around to find herself face to face with muscle-bound jock.

"I'm looking for, uh, Dean Winchester…?" The Jock mumbled.

"Well, you came to the right place!" Charlie rejoiced, pointing to Dean next to her.

"Could, I uh, talk with you somewhere? Privately?" The Jock continued.

"No worries, I'll go- Stuff and things to do!" Charlie announced, exiting the shop.

"Mike Novak, I presume." Dean declared apathetically.

"Uh, yeah. So um- my brother?" Mike started but trailed off.

"Your brother is on a 72-hour psych hold at Hillside General Hospital, after a failed suicide attempt!" Dean supplemented.

"It's just that our parents are out of town and-"

"And there's, what? No other legal guardian in case of emergency?" Dean huffed, his frustrations spilling into his voice angrily.

"Maybe I could call my other brother, Gabe- He's like 21, he's in college- I think?"

"You think? As in you don't actually know what either of your brothers are up to? Well, way to go champ!" Dean bit out sarcastically.

"Look, I know I fucked up, alright! Cassie was my responsibility this weekend, and I- I choose to do other things." Mike apologized, his voice thick with regret.

"No- Its, this isn't on you, man. Cas has been-" 

Dean felt conflicted, on the one hand, Dean very much blamed Cas's parents for blatantly ignoring Castiel's deteriorating mental health. On the other hand, he very much understood the feelings of guilt over having let Cas down.

"This isn't the first time that he's tried to kill himself or overdose or whatever- You know that, right?" Mike stated abruptly.

"He's just always been kind of- Lonely and broken, ever since we were kids. Our parents are never around! Except when they are and then move us all over! But- I thought he was getting better here. I just, I really wanted to believe that he could be 'ok'!"

***

Cas had resisted being sucked into the repetitive Hospital daily routine until day three. By now boredom was setting in, and he feared he would soon crack:

7 AM Wake up.  
8 AM Breakfast and meds.  
9 AM Group check-in and therapy between.  
10 AM "Free Time"  
12 PM Lunch  
1 PM "Quiet time" / Nursing shift changeover.  
2 PM Individual therapy.  
3 PM Family Visitation/ "Free time."  
5 PM Dinner.  
7 PM More medication.  
8 PM Lights out.

Cas tried to appreciate his daily therapy sessions, despite the doctor's constant stress levels and half baked diagnostic skills. In her defense, she had been diligent taking a family history and trying to track down his paperwork. Upon learning of his new diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder, Cas had outright laughed in her face.

"Ok, sure. Let's just go with that one then!" Cas brushed off his doctors' concerns.

"You have a serious illness Castiel, this is your- Second hospitalization for suicidal behaviors? Last time you- It says here- You 'overdosed on a combination of Chardonnay and Vicodin during a friend's birthday party?'"

"What can I say? I have expensive taste when it comes to substance abuse…" Cas tried to smile but found the edges of his mouth stiffened instead.

"Do you find that you frequently self medicate during your episodes?"

"Uh-" Cas felt far too sober to be having this particular conversation.

"We have yet to notify your parents of your whereabouts or your mental health status. We have managed to reach a Gabriel Novak? This is your brother, yes?"

"Yep." Cas over articulated the 'P' making a popping sound.

"Though he has disclosed that he is not local to the area- it seems that he is on his way nonetheless! Any ideas about how we might better get in contact with your parents Castiel?"

"Your guess would be as good as mine on that one, Doc!"

As Cas left his therapist's office, he felt the familiar undercurrents of depression beginning to take hold. Whatever new meds he was on were definitely not showing any signs of working as of yet. Cas doubted that his parents would drop out of their respective work-related conferences just because he was having yet another mental health crisis. Hospitalizations had become his new-normal in recent years he posited, so why should his parents or anyone else even bother. Briefly, he thought of giving up and trying to hurt himself again. He very much doubted it would be all that hard to do so, especially in here if he were motivated. Suddenly Dean kissing him flashed through his head, and he decided to try to put up with the bullshit, if only for a little longer.


	10. Chapter 10

"To-morrow! And To-morrow! And To-morrow…!" 

Jack Kline ranted from the stage below. As he stumbled through his speech, he accompanied the words with an oddly jerky movement.

"No! No. No. Jack, the soliloquy must be fluid yet melancholic! Macbeth is trying to convey the futility of his life, the intolerable burden of his daily existence…" Crowley explained through over-enunciated his words.

"More like the intolerable burden of Jack's bad acting!" Charlie smirked to Dean as they perched from the gallery, adjusting the stage lights.

"I seriously don't get how Jack got cast as the lead again! I mean, we ALL remember last year's West Side Story debacle!"

"Hey, think of it this way, at least Macbeth isn't a musical!" Dean muttered as he pulled out all the shutters on the source four he was mounting.

"Oh my God, so true! Seriously though- Have you seen Crowley's notes on my light plot? I mean, honestly, just kill me now!" Charlie joked.

Dean froze on her last words before reminding himself that he was being silly, and of course, Charlie didn't mean anything by it. Recent days had found Dean anxiously overthinking everything from before Castiel's suicide attempt. Surely he'd overlooked some small details or missed important warning signs beforehand. 

The increasing guilt of it all had also triggered Dean into having nightmares again. Stuff was coming back that he hadn't thought about since his Dad left when he was six. Additionally, he began reliving darker bloodier versions of Cas dying every time he closed his eyes.

"Winchester! Phone Call!" Bobby hollered from the stage below, briefly interrupting the afternoon rehearsal.

Dean shot Charlie a puzzled look before passing off his wrench to her. Once backstage in the scene shop, he found the receiver of Bobby's old desk phone off the hook and waiting. 

"Lasker Auditorium, Backstage! Dean Winchester speaking,"

"Hello, Dean." Castiel's husky voice crackled across the line.

"Cas!? How did you-?"

"I only have a few minutes to talk, and I figured that you'd be backstage so-"

"Well, how are you, man? How are you doing over there?" Dean blurted out before feeling incredibly stupid for asking.

"-About as well as can be expected, I suppose."

"Good! That's-uh, good to hear! Ummm…" Shit, this was getting awkward fast. Dean found himself struggling to avoid morphing into a teenage girl.

"I really miss you, Cas…" His voice thick as his emotions were beginning to betray him.

"And, you know with Tech Day coming up this weekend I could really use your help so-"

"I miss you too, Dean," Cas whispered before falling back into an uncomfortable silence.

"Listen, Cas- I've been thinking it over the last couple of days, and I am so sorry about letting you down! I mean- If I had just been looking out for you better, none of this would have even happened and-"

"Actually, I think it was pretty inevitable, Dean! So please don't blame yourself! Really, it's not your fault that I'm just- completely broken beyond repair…" Cas's voice drifted again, and Dean's heart plummeted.

"Please, please don't give up, Cas- We'll figure this all out and-"

Cas could hear the tremble in Dean's voice as he spoke. All at once, their conversation was just too much for him to bear.

"Times up, Dean. I have to go now." (Click).

Dean sat stiffly for a moment, hearing the dial tone ringing in his ear. He felt a knot deep inside himself, beginning to tighten painfully. What was going on now? Wasn't Cas was supposed to be 'getting help'? How was it possible that instead, he seemed so much more depressed? Once again, Dean found himself feeling helpless and lost.

***

Mary worried to herself as she approached the airport baggage claim. Hasty decisions had definitely been made on her part when she agreed to retrieve, house, and shofer Gabriel Novak. Despite her reservations, Castiel was nearing the end of his 72-hour hold, and without his brother's involvement, the next step would undoubtedly involve foster care.

"Excuse me? Are you by any chance, Mary Winchester?"

"Yess," Mary spun around to face a light-haired man about her own height.

"Gabriel Novak at your service!" the man announced as he thrust his hand forward and into hers.

"It's good to meet you finally, Gabriel!"

"Yes, yes, you as well- So are we straight away to rescue my baby bro from the loony bin, or could we possibly make a small detour first? I, for one, am starving!"

While Mary found the stark contrast between Castiel and his brother a bit shocking, she agreed to hit a drive-through en route to the hospital. As Gabriel munched on french fries dipped in his chocolate milkshake, Mary tried to explain to him the direness of Castiel's situation.

"Usually, after a psychiatric intervention, the parents collaborate on a safe plan following discharge- No disrespect intended, but I have been trying to get your parents for three days now and-"

"And no luck? Yeah, I can't say I'm all that surprised! Dear old Dad and Mom never really excelled at separating their professional lives from the pesky needs of their children. I mean- I'm sure having all us kids seemed like a good idea at the time- they just haven't managed to get the return back on the investment yet, I guess!" Gabriel frowned and looked away while Mary sighed at his unexpected bluntness.

"So, what's the plan here exactly? I mean, I can stay for a week, but my finals are right around the corner and- Don't get me wrong, I love Cassie dearly, but- I can't really stash him in my dorm room after all this."

"Well, ideally, as next of kin, you could authorize the hospital to release Castiel into my care. In the long run, I believe it would be far more therapeutic for him than going to a group home. Also, I'm a trained nurse with 20+ years of experience, I'm already familiar with your brothers' circumstances and-"

"I get it, I get it! You seem to care for my little brother genuinely," Gabriel cupped Mary's shoulder as the sarcastic banter drained from his tone.

"Cassie is long overdue for someone like you, Mary. I will do whatever you ask of me!"

***

Dean drove straight home after school. He needed to talk to convince his mother that Castiel was not 'getting better' at the hospital. Methodically, Dean unlocked the front door, kicked off his boots, and flung his bag into the corner. Determinately, he approached the kitchen with the carefully planned speech that had been repeating on a loop inside his head all day. 

"Hello, Dean."

Dean had to brace himself against the wall as to avoid tripping over his own socked feet. After righting himself, Dean's head snapped up to face Cas sitting at his kitchen table next to some other guy.

"Cas!" Dean's thoughts vanished as he happily greeted Castiel.

"How are you even here, man?" Dean asked, wrapping his arms tightly around his boyfriend's waist.

Just then, Gabriel cleared his throat loudly.

"Umm Dean, I'd like you to meet my brother, Gabriel…"

"Just Gabe will suffice, thank you very much," 

Gabriel looked suspiciously between his younger brother and Dean, a mischievous gleam behind his dark brown eyes. Dean's appreciation for the guy wrestled with his elation over having Cas back in his arms; Eventually, their reunion winning him over.

"Well, I'm beat! Ten hours on a plane can really do that to a guy-" winking, Gabriel then excused himself from the kitchen.

"Cas," Dean whispered once they were alone.

"You have no idea how glad I am to see you."

Dean hugged Cas again before meeting his lips and kissing him desperately, as though his life depended on it. Castiel allowed himself to be engulfed in Dean's passion. Amidst sloppy, open-mouthed kisses, he began to notice something stirring inside himself. Forgotten memories of security, comfort, relief flooded his senses. Being here with Dean, in this moment, felt like coming home at long last.

***

"May I have some more, please?" Castiel asked quietly. He had already finished two servings of Mary's lasagna, but it was just too good to stop eating.

"Help yourself, Cas," Mary prompted.

"Did they even feed you anything in the hospital-" Sam started to say before receiving a swift kick from Dean under the table.

"Nothing compares to a real home-cooked meal Samual! Alas, I've had to learn that the hard way- Always buy the college meal-plan boys… Or be forced to succumb to the endless waking nightmare of prepackaged ramen!" Gabriel shuddered before helping himself to an additional serving as well. 

Cas continued to eat until he could feel the waistband of his scrubs pulling taught. Dean decided not to comment and risk embarrassing his boyfriend. Choosing instead to rub Castiel's shoulders and further appreciate the novelty of having him back. After the table had been cleared and the food finally all put away, Mary administered Cas's evening meds.

"This is going to knock you out pretty quickly, Castiel," Mary advised before turning to face Dean.

"Cas really needs to sleep tonight honey- I'm gonna assume that you will let him rest and not keep him up talking instead?" 

Dean saluted Mary with a goofy smile before they turned and together ascended back to Dean's room.

"Could I- uh-maybe?"Cas began but trailed off.

"Could you, uh- what exactly?" Dean mused.

"Would it be ok if I slept with you tonight? I mean- just sleeping, but next to you?"

Dean smiled back at Castiel. He was entirely content to simply be in proximity to the boy, much less be offered an opportunity to hold on to him all night long.

"I'd actually really love that, Cas."

Castiel blushed a bit in response, and Dean thought he could sense the tiniest hint of a smile as they both turned to settle themselves in bed.


	11. Chapter 11

The anxiety blossomed within him subtly. Castiel awoke to feel caffeinated despite having slept less than six hours. He glanced at the bedside clock; it was only 02:07 AM, so he snuggled in closer to Dean. As he wrestled with the need to sleep, Castiel could feel his breath begin to quicken and his heart race. He felt paralyzed, as dizzying waves of nausea began to rip through his body.

" Cas?" Dean murmured sleepily.

" Cas, what's up? You're shaking?!"

Just then, the room was flooded with uncomfortably bright light, and Dean was struggling to pull him in closer.

" Cas, talk to me man, what's going on?"

Sensing the increased panic in Dean's voice only served to make matters worse for Castiel. Before he knew it, he was dripping with sweat and feeling oddly disconnected from his body. It felt as if he was instead someplace else just hovering. As though he'd been pushed just outside of himself. There was a scuffle of footsteps in the hallway, followed by the unexpected softness of a blanket being wrapped around his shoulders.

" Castiel, I need you to swallow this..." Mary instructed while pressing a pill into Cas's palm.

Castiel obeyed, gulping down the medication and chasing it with long sips of cold water.

" Cas, I'm right here, and I will do anything you need..." 

Dean was at his side again now, gingerly rubbing circles into Castiel's clenched up back. Dean exchanged some words with Mary, But Cas could only make out Mary's soothing tones as she eased her son's voice back to a steady tremble. Unexpectedly, the overhead light clicked off, and Castiel found that the shadows of the room were gradually becoming less intrusive.

" I've got you Cas, your safe, and I'm not going to let anything else bad happen..."

Castiel felt encompassed by warmth as it radiated from Dean's sturdy bare-chested frame. The two boys pressed closer to each other until Cas could feel himself being drawn back into his body with every gently laid kiss. 

***

"Rise and shine, Cas!" Dean breathed gently into the nape of Castiel's neck.

Castiel startled as he was pulled from his dreamless sleep, he blinked and searched the room as he tried to place his location.

"I gotcha Cas, your safe…" Dean hummed.

Castiel sighed deeply, taking in Dean's musky scent of leather and flannel.

"I'd love to let you sleep some more, but Mom says it's important for you to take your meds at the same time everyday… Plus, Sammy and I have to get going to school here pretty soon."

Castiel nodded before making his way alongside Dean downstairs to the kitchen. Mary was cooking, her back to the stove. Cas could smell scrambled eggs and hear the sizzling pop of bacon. Gabriel sat at the table, flipping through the local Daily Gazette; He held a steaming cup of coffee that threatened to drop from his lazy fingers.

"Cassie!" Gabriel looked up as Castiel entered the room and promptly spilled coffee down his leg.

"Gah!" I'm such a klutz sometimes…"

Dean rolled his eyes before fetching some paper towels to help blot up the mess. Amidst the chaos of the kitchen activities, Castiel felt suddenly very out of place. A heaviness began to form behind his shoulder blades, shifting quickly into his arms before threatening to knock the air out of his chest.

"Seriously, Cas if you two weren't related I'd-" 

Dean looked back at Castiel and was met with the same look of burning panic that he'd witnessed the night before.

"Cas!? Try to take some breaths for me?" Dean was by his side this time, pressing their foreheads together and speaking softly.

"Deep breaths, in… and out… there you go,"

As Castiel's breathing began to level out, Mary approached him with his morning meds and a warm mug of tea.

"I'm getting concerned about these panic attacks! The Amitriptyline should be doing more to curb them…" Mary worried as she guided Castiel over to sit at the kitchen table.

"Is there anything we can do about it?" Gabriel asked, his gaze falling warily upon his youngest brother.

"Not in less, we go back to the hospital, but I have some referrals for outpatient treatment and counseling- I'll figure something out," Mary assured.

"You ok?" Dean squeezed Castiel's shoulder as he set a plate of breakfast in front of him.

"Yeah, uh-huh,"

"Dean! We really have to go, or we're going to be late again!" Sam whined from the hallway.

"Shit!" Dean swore, glancing at the clock.

"I'm fine, Dean, really…"

"I'll be home right after rehearsal, I promise!"   
Dean casually pecked Castiel on the lips before grabbing his backpack and rushing out the door. The next thing Castiel heard was the Impala revving to life outside, and within moments he was all alone yet again.

***

"Mr. Winchester, I would like a word with you after class, please…"

"Ruh-row!" Charlie quipped, making her way out of the classroom.

"Shit," Dean swore under his breath as he thought back over all of the English assignments he'd completed during the last couple of weeks. What had he done wrong this time?

"What can I do for you, Mrs. Moseley?"

"Dean," His teacher began as she looked him over.

"Is everything all right with you lately? You seem… Quieter than usual in class."

Dean's face fell, and his mouth popped open slightly before he could stop himself.

"School is over, but I have some time right now- if you need to get anything off of your chest?" His teacher offered politely.

"I guess I've just been, kind of-uh stretched pretty thin lately…" Dean mumbled, rubbing a hand along the back of his neck.

"I know that Macbeth is opening next week..." Mrs. Moseley supplied.

"Yeah, it definitely does, and I have so many things to finish before the tech this weekend!"

Mrs. Moseley paused for a moment before looking Dean directly in the eyes.

"Now I wouldn't do this for just anybody, but I like you, and your work in my class is always high quality and very well thought out… If you should need any extensions on anything, like the Dickens' essay coming due here soon?"

"Thank you! Yes! That would be so much appreciated Mrs. Moseley,"

Dean beamed at his teacher, and she met him with a smile in return. He then hurriedly collected his things, realizing rehearsal was already underway, and Crowley undoubtedly had a laundry list of notes for him.

"Oh, and Dean… Your situation at home, I have a feeling that it will sort itself out. All that love and patience you're putting into the universe? You'll be starting to see It pay off here real soon..."

Dean was instantly flustered; he hadn't even mentioned the situation at home with Cas. Utterly shocked, he looked up from his bag just as his teacher made her way out of the classroom.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW for mentions of self-harm.

Castiel stared down at the plastic handle of the disposable razor in his grasp. Gabriel had teased him relentlessly all week about his overall scruffiness and need to shave. Then before his departure back to college, his older brother had eagerly presented him with a signature wink and an economy-sized pack of twelve razors. Studying his face in the mirror, Castiel examined his features intently before beginning to shave. Once again, he felt an odd sort of disconnection between himself and the image staring back at him.

He thought back to Meg, a thirteen-year-old that he had encountered briefly during his stay in the hospital. They had met during a pulled fire alarm when both the girl's and the boy's wards had unexpectedly been merged together. As the staff worked hard to safely settle the patients and allow the firefighters to access the floor, Meg had been the one to strike up a conversation.

"So, what are you in for?"

"Huh? Oh, suicide attempt." Castiel shrugged before showing off his bandaged arm.

"Ah! While I understand the appeal, I try to strictly limit myself to self-harm," Meg then lifted up her sleeve to reveal multiple cuts in varying stages of healing and scars.

"And does that help you any?" Cas inquired.

"I think it does, it pulls me right out of an anxiety attack and calms me the fuck down. My therapist says that it's all about endorphins, though…"

"Cas," Dean smiled before kissing the freshly shaven side of his boyfriend's face.

"Whatcha thinking about?" Dean asked, taking the razor and starting to shave the other half of Castiel's face.

"Huh, oh nothing really, I'm a little bit worried about tech today."

Dean shook his head as he dabbed the last of the shaving cream off of Castiel's chin.

"I find when it comes to Tech day, it's always best to expect the worse and then be pleasantly surprised when things don't go all that badly."  
Dean smiled reassuringly at his boyfriend before taking hold of his hand and leading him out of the bathroom.

***

"Nope, Stop! Let's do that again! Charlie dear, why can I hardly see the faces of my three witches?" Crowley implored, leaning forward out of his seat.  
"The setting is meant to be dark and stormy so the audience can establish the overall mood and setting of the play! We have already discussed this countless times and at length!" Charlie growled.

It was only an hour into Tech Rehearsal, and already nerves were beginning to wear thin.

"While I agree that setting the proper mood is of the utmost importance, I have to argue- What's the bloody point if no one can even see the actor's faces!?" Crowley bellowed before standing up and facing the stage.

"And I have another note for the stage crew,"

Dean perked up at the mention of his crew, removing his headset as he approached center stage to hear the director's continued complaints.

"Ah, yes… Winchester! Do you think your crew could move any slower? I fear my actors just won't be able to keep up!" 

Dean nodded apathetically before turning away and rolling his eyes.

"Is it always like this?" Cas asked, hugging on to Dean as he replaced his headset.

"Tech rehearsal never really brings out the best in people and Crowley's… Well, Crowley! To be honest, I think I'd be surprised, this far into rehearsal, if he weren't verbally abusing us!" 

Dean leaned into Castiel's warmth for a moment before instinctively stiffening at the familiar crackle over his headset.

"Alright, guys! Here we go, Act one, scene three… Benny, are you ready to receive the cauldron?"

"Most def," Benny nodded.

"Cas, your on the king's throne? Oh yeah, and- The throne has wheels now! So it should be easier to move. Just don't forget to put the breaks on before you exit stage, ok?"

"Yep, on it!" Cas assured as he crossed to stage left to wait.

Dean shifted on the balls of his feet, his palm hovering above the button for the mechanized turntable, awaiting his cue. Just then, Jack said his last line, and the stage went completely dark for a count of ten. Gradually then, the dimmest of blue light crept back up as all the stagehands began to scurry.

Castiel could hear the creaking of the turntable as he rushed forward awkwardly steering the rolling throne. Once on the actual stage, his pulse quickened, and he began to actually panic. Eventually finding the spike, Cas parked the throne before making a hasty exit stage right. He'd just managed to secure himself within the shadows as the stage lights came back up.

"Oh, Worthiest Cousin! The sin of my ingratitude even now was heav-" 

Garth yelped as he sat onto the throne and swiftly began rolling backward.

"Winchester!" Crowley barked, a reddish vein pulsing along his forehead.

"When we decided to adhere wheels to the throne, did I not specifically request some sort of breaking element as well?"

Dean shot a quick glance at a very bewildered Cas before speaking.

"Crowley, it's tech- Shouldn't we be happy to discover all of the things that could possibly go wrong? That way, we still have all next week to fix it!"

Crowley returned Dean's gaze with a look of utter disgust before admitting defeat. Grinning proudly to himself, Dean turned back to reset the stage. His face fell, however, upon realizing that he could not set eyes on Castiel.

"I'm gonna need about 5.7 minutes Becky," Dean informed the stage manager.

Becky scowled angrily at Dean, but he ignored her opting instead to strip off his headset and leave the stage. After checking almost everywhere he could think of, a sense of dread began to settle over him.   
Rechecking the scene shop, Dean was beyond relieved to once again set his sights upon his boyfriend.

"There you are!" Dean exclaimed, rushing over to Castiel. Immediately noting the initial signs of an anxiety attack, Dean pulled his boyfriend close. Holding on tight, Dean tried to soothe Cas with closeness and gently spoken words.

"I could call Mary if you need your pills?" 

Cas violently shook his head back and forth at the suggestion. Stepping away from Dean, he attempted to brace his body against the tool cabinet.

"You can't let Crowley get to you, man! Besides, it was such an easy mistake…" 

Dean studied his boyfriend's face, longingly searching his deep blue eyes for any signs of relief. They stood together in patient silence until Castiel's breathing began to even out. When it seemed as though the episode had finally passed, Dean spoke again.

"Hey, ya know what?" Dean smiled, glancing at his phone.

"It's almost noon, and I'll bet if you walked down to Joe's, our lunch order would be ready for pickup!"

"You're not just trying to get rid of me, are you Dean?" Cas insisted, his voice sounding small.

"Not at all! I just have trouble thinking when I'm hungry…"

"Wow, you must be hungry, like all the time, then!" Cas joked, beginning to feel more like himself again.

***

While Castiel walked the short distance between the high school and the town square, he noticed distinct and angular shadows spreading out across the sidewalk before him. Daylight savings had happened a week or so ago, and the new shift in time, coupled with the low quality of light, left Castiel feeling both exhausted and a little bit sad. 

As he approached the Pizzeria, he noticed a "Back in 10 minutes" sign on the door and decided to duck into the drugstore instead of waiting outside. The store was on the small side, with few isles and most items crammed together on the shelves somewhat haphazardly. As Castiel searched for red licorice and peanut butter cups to surprise Dean with, his eyes instead found the cough and cold section. 

He fondly remembered living in upstate New York when he and his friends would spend time after school robotripping. They'd all meet up at his big unsupervised house and proceed to guzzle cough medicine until starting to mildly hallucinate. Without thinking, Castiel added some grape flavored Robitussin to his basket alongside the Candy.

After checking out at the drugstore, Castiel headed back to the Pizzeria to collect the crew's lunch order. A flicker of contentment gathered in his chest as he paid for the pizza order with the official theater department credit card, which Dean had entrusted him with. As he headed back in the direction of the school, Castiel finally felt his body relax. He trusted that Dean had been right, that his simple mistake with the rolling throne could easily be forgiven and that the rest of Tech Day might even be a success.


	13. Chapter 13

"Tomorrow and tomorrow! And tomorrow and tomorrow…!" Dean mumbled as he situated himself into the Impala

"And tomorrow? Are we even going to be ready for the dress rehearsal, or will Crowley come up with more notes and changes and complaints about everything!?" Charlie groaned.

Dean rolled his eyes as he pulled out of the student parking lot, it had been a long day, and the stressful tech rehearsal had taken its toll on everyone. Crowley had been particularly hard on Charlie all day, continuously stopping everything just to complain about lighting levels and then continuing to murmur disparaging comments throughout.

During Act II, there had been absolute chaos on stage when Macbeth tried to murder Duncan. Unexpectedly the stage blood had exploded outward and into the house seats. Bobby and Crowley had been thoroughly drenched in a rain of sticky red corn-syrup sludge. This was immediately proceeded by the director having a full-on meltdown. Throughout Crowley's following tirade, Dean struggled to keep a straight face and could do nothing else but bite the inside of his cheek to stifle off his laughter.

By the end of the rehearsal, Dean was mostly satisfied with his set's functionality and aesthetics. The trapdoor was still a little wonky, Gordon Walker having somehow managed to snag his costume on a stray nail when entering as Banquo's ghost. Similarly, Jo Harvelle had tripped over a set-piece during her entrance as Lady Macbeth in the sleepwalking scene. While Dean wholeheartedly hoped that she would get used to the placement of set pieces and adapt her performance around them. In a worst-case scenario, Dean figured he could always just plaster the entire area in glow tape.

***

Dean took the long way home after dropping Charlie off at her house. Despite it only being 5 o'clock, the sky had already descended into darkness, while the neighborhood street lights were only just flickering awake.

"So, Sammy is sleeping over at a friends' house, and Mom is still at work…" Dean mentioned slowly.

"What do you say you and I go out for dinner?"

"You mean like… A date?" Cas answered suspiciously with one eyebrow raised.

Dean shrugged; they were pretty comfortable together, having already spent so many hours hanging out as friends. But with all the recent life events, they still had yet to attempt pursuing anything akin to an actual date.

"Okay, sure, how about Cabot's?"

"If you promise to split an ice cream sundae with me, then you may have yourself a deal!" Castiel chuckled around a faint smile.

Dean smiled back at him, Cas seemed to have calmed down significantly since the incident earlier in the day. He'd been a great help to Dean during Tech and even managed to troubleshoot faster ways to complete some of the more difficult scene changes.

At dinner, Cas listened patiently while Dean rambled on, covering almost every topic from the Impala to his concerns over high school and eventually applying to college. When the food came, Cas thoroughly gorged himself. Practically inhaling the entirety of his bacon cheeseburger, two glasses of Coke, as well as both his and Dean's fries.

"Are you sure you have any room left for a hot fudge sundae, Cas?" 

"I dunno what's wrong with me, Dean- I'm just really hungry lately, like some kind of bottomless pit…" Cas frowned, looking away.

"Hey," Dean reached out, grabbing hold of Cas's hand and squeezing it gently.

"No worries, man. Besides, it's like impossible to go wrong with ice cream!"

Cas nodded hesitantly before picking up his menu but did not meet Dean's gaze.

"You know, this one time…" Dean began.

He flipped through the pages trying to locate something specific.

"Sammy and I ordered this, its called 'The Green Monster.' We even tried to finish the whole thing, just the two of us! I can't remember the last time Sammy made himself so sick!" 

"Ten scoops of ice cream?" Castiel paused, reading the description of the dessert aloud.

"Gummy Bears, M&M's, Hot fudge, Rainbow Jimmies…And all topped off with some neon green whip cream! Dean, that sounds absolutely disgusting!"

"To be fair, it was my 12th birthday, and I was not yet the connoisseur that you now know and love."

In the end, Castiel and Dean settled on individual cones before calling it a night.

"Next time we should try something like- Dinner and then going to a movie!" Dean surmised, extending an arm around Cas's shoulders as they walked.

"Oh, okay, so something totally original and not at all cliche then," Castiel teased.

"Shuddup!" Dean grumbled, before pulling Castiel closer and locking their lips together at last.

***

Just after midnight, Dean awoke to the smell of smoke and the incessant beeping of the fire detector downstairs. He jumped up from the bed and hurried down to the kitchen. Upon arrival, he was shocked to find that both his mom and boyfriend were already there. Mary, who had just gotten home from work, was busy removing the batteries from the smoke detector. All the windows appeared to be open, and smoke was trailing out of the microwave. 

Cas sat at the kitchen table; an array of foods spread out before him as he robotically munched his way through a bag of hamburger buns.

"What the?" Dean wondered aloud, taking in the bizarre scene before him.

"I just got home and found him like this, I think he must've put a spoon in the microwave or something-?" Mary yawned.

"Cas? What's going on, man?" Dean asked, taking the seat directly across from his boyfriend. Cas didn't answer him, though; instead, his eyes remained fixed straight ahead as he ate. Methodically, Castiel continued to cram bun after bun into his mouth.

"It's gotta be the Ambien!" Mary said at last.

"Wait, you mean his sleeping pills?"

Mary searched through her purse briefly before pulling out Cas's pharmacy paperwork.

"Yep, here it is." Mary pointed to the list of known side effects before handing the page to Dean.

"Headache, nausea, dizziness- Memory loss? Anxiety and Sleep Disturbances?! I thought these pills were supposed to be helping Cas! Not turning him into some kind of zombie hamburgler!" 

Dean waved a hand in front of his boyfriend's face, grimacing when he didn't blink or respond at all.

"I guess maybe the doctor's felt like the benefits of the medication outweighed the side effects…"

Dean let out a long frustrated sigh, disappointed that he had let himself begin to believe Cas was going to get better.

"I made him an appointment with a psychiatrist for later this month, but I'll call tomorrow and see if we can get him seen any sooner, okay?" 

Mary reached over as she spoke, rubbing circles into Dean's back.

"He's going to be alright, Dean. Psychiatric medications don't always work the same way for everyone. Sometimes it's just trial and error until something finally clicks."

"I'm going to get things cleaned up in here. Do you think you can steer Castiel back in the direction of your room?" Mary asked sleepily.

After wrestling the nearly empty bag of hamburger buns away from Castiel, it was approaching 1 AM. Gripping his boyfriend tightly around the shoulders, Dean proceeded to manually relocate him back upstairs. Once back in bed, Dean tucked Cas into the far side of the mattress between himself and the wall.

"There, now you'll have to crawl over my body before you can go raid the kitchen again…"

Dean tried to laugh off the whirlwind ridiculousness that now was his life. In just one week, he had experienced the heart-stopping terror of Castiel nearly bleeding to death and being subsequently hospitalized. Eclipsed only by overwhelming joy and relief of being reunited with Cas after his release from said hospital. Dean had helplessly witnessed a dozen or so of his boyfriend's anxiety attacks, followed by his own lost hours of sleep spent worrying. Tonight he had taken Cas out on their first date. They'd spent an entire meal getting lost in conversation and Castiel's impossibly blue eyes, afterward even sharing a romantic kiss. 

Despite everything, Dean could feel himself being drawn further in toward Castiel. Laying in the darkness, listening to their combined breath, he allowed his eyes to fall shut at last.


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW for implications of self-harm at the very end.

As his History teacher droned on, Castiel zoned out. Delicately he traced around the edges of his healing skin with a thin-tipped sharpie. Before too long, several patterns of intricate spirals and ominous vines spanned the entire length of his left arm. Hieroglyphs danced at his fingertips, while thicker morbid black designs stretched up and over his biceps, only just disappearing beneath his t-shirt.

"Cas," Sam whispered.

Lost in thought, Castiel barely acknowledged Sam's attempts to get his attention. Foggy thoughts and trouble concentrating had become his norm as of late. More often then not, Castiel felt stoned despite being 100% sober. 

"Cas! The bell rang like three minutes ago… School is over now!" 

"Uh-huh." Cas nodded without looking at Sam.

"Dontcha umm, have that doctor's appointment today? You know, the one Mom's taking off early from work to drive you to?" 

Castiel froze at thoughts of inconveniencing Mary with his useless psychiatric bullshit. 

"Hey, Cas?" Sam asked quietly.

"Do you think its a good idea to get ink in those cuts? I wouldn't want them to get infected and leave more of a scar or whatever…"

Cas sighed deeply before shrugging and then finally meeting Sam's gaze. 

"You're probably right, Sam, but I doubt that it really matters much at this point."

***

The drive to Dr. Milton's office was tedious amidst the heavy afternoon traffic. Dean had insisted on coming along despite his absence, having caused the rescheduling of the entire dress rehearsal for later on in the evening. Though Charlie and Benny seemed relieved for the extra time to catch up on homework and whatnot, Cas still worried that he was wasting everybody's time.

Mary met with the doctor first; Having wanted to discuss the details of Cas's situation one on one as colleagues.

"They probably just want to use all those fancy Latin medical words while we're not there." Dean teased Castiel as they sat together in the waiting room.

"Yeah, maybe…"

"Hey, what's this?" Dean asked, pushing up Castiel's trenchcoat to reveal his sleeve-long artistic creation.

Before Cas could answer, the office door popped, open, and Mary waved both boys inside.

"Dr. Milton, this is Castiel and my son Dean. Boys, this is Dr. Anna Milton," Mary introduced.

After some awkward silence and nodding, Dean took Cas's hand and lead him to sit on the nearby couch. 

"Mary tells me you've had some pretty intense anxiety lately, Castiel?" Dr. Milton probed.

Cas shrugged and looked away, he already knew that he was a complete mess. The crippling anxiety attacks, his off-kilter mood swings none of it was a new thing for him.

"Um, yeah!" Dean jumped in, shooting Cas a puzzled look.

"They're almost an everyday occurrence, and scary as hell to watch."

Dean squeezed Castiel's hand gently before he continued on to try and explain.

"He'll just get this look and like its obvious that he's scared- But there's not very much I can do to snap him out of it."

"They're dissociative," Cas murmured.

Dr. Milton paused, writing her notes, and focused entirely on her patient.

"Please continue, Castiel." 

"Umm, my other therapists thought they might be dissociative episodes…? Sometimes I have trouble remembering afterward and just lose big chunks of time or whatever,"

"Did any of your other therapists ever discuss any sort of diagnosis that I should be aware of?"

"Umm," Castiel shrugged a little before scooting closer to Dean as he spoke.

"I've seen a bunch of different doctors, and pretty much everyone had some kind of theory about what's wrong with me…So far, I've been diagnosed with depersonalization disorder, major depressive disorder, ADD… And bipolar disorder, during my latest stint in the hospital!"

"Hmm!" Dr. Milton considered, putting her pen down on her desk.

"That all sounds like an awful lot to deal with Castiel! And your parents? They've been uh, 'less than supportive,' shall we say?"

"Biggest understatement ever!" Dean quipped sarcastically.

"I dunno, they did try at first. It's not really their fault that I'm so… Broken."

Dean pulled Castiel closer and hugged him tightly around the waist.

"That's not true, Cas! You're not broken, we just haven't figured out how to help you yet!"

"I'm going to have to agree with your boyfriend, Castiel. I think that your situation is quite manageable, actually. We can start by adjusting some of your meds, okay? I think lorazepam will help with the anxiety, but it might knock you out. I'm gonna keep you on the Amitriptyline for now, but I want to hear back immediately if you experience any major side effects, okay?"

"Um, like what kind of side effects?" Dean asked

"Well," Dr. Milton began pulling out her phone and studying it briefly.

"Worsening insomnia, anxiety, or suicidal thoughts would be the ones I'd be most concerned about… Although the Amitriptyline is known to cause increased appetite and weight gain so we should probably keep an eye on that as well."

"You mean I'm going to get fat?" Cas worried.

"Weight gain from antidepressants is a fairly common side effect, I'm afraid. But we can always make adjustments to your dosages if it becomes a problem."

"Great!" Castiel deadpanned.

"Lastly, we'll switch out the Ambien for some over the counter Melatonin- to take as needed."

"So no more sleep-eating then?" Dean chuckled.

"No, that uh, shouldn't be a problem with the Melatonin!" Dr. Milton smiled softly.

"Umm, what would happen if Cas missed a dose or uh-"Dean glanced at Cas uneasily.

"Stopped taking his medication completely?"

"Stopping any sort of psychoactive medication cold turkey would NOT be recommended and would very likely lead to another hospitalization. Listen, If either of you has any concerns please, just call me first? It's kind of what I'm here for!" 

"Alright," Castiel croaked, 

As they left the office together, Cas nodded at Dean in an unspoken agreement; A promise that he would actually give the whole prescription medication thing a try for real this time. In response, Dean hugged Cas back, gently planting a kiss on his forehead.

***

The dress rehearsal was a complete and total nightmare, wherein everything that could go wrong did. Becky Rosen had assembled a small army of dressers to help the actors quickly change in and out of costumes backstage. Unfortunately, this meant that many more people were confined behind the set, crowding up the wings. Additionally, they had started late, and Dean worried that the time crunch would undoubtedly bite them in the ass as the night wore on.

"Dean, all your muscles are so tense right now…" Castiel noticed as he stretched an arm over Dean's shoulders.

"Yeah," Dean mumbled as he sat attentively, waiting for cues over his headset.

"Maybe I could give you a back massage later?" Cas wondered aloud.

"Yes, I'd love- Okay! Act 3, scene 4? Benny, did you prep the banquet table for the turntable?" As Dean spoke, Cas noted his boyfriend's abrupt shift from playful to professional. 

"Sure did, brother!" Benny saluted.

"Okay, Cas, did you set out all the prop foods?"

"Yes, Dean."

"Okay, we are all ready to go backstage!" Dean informed the stage manager over the headset.

Moments later, the stage went dark except for a few blue lights clipped behind the set. Jack and Jo waited anxiously in the wings as the turntable creaked and a large flat painted to resemble a 'castle wall' was flown in just behind a massive banquet table. As the scene progressed, Jack and Jo as Macbeth and Lady Macbeth entered from stage right, greeted by Garth as Lennox and Gadreel as Ross. Bela and Kevin, as the murderers, managed both their entrance and exit using Dean's hidden passages without the sliding door element getting jammed.

There was a slight pause before Jack gave his next line.

"SS-Sweat remembrancer! Now, good digestion wait on appetite… And, and health! On both!" 

Dean rolled his neck, trying to ease the painful tension developing in his shoulders and upper back. This was his first show as an acting student technical director, and he felt totally overwhelmed with the responsibilities of this new role. Although he had been doing technical theater since middle school, he still managed to doubt himself just enough and feared he might somehow fuck everything up.

"May' t please your highness sit." Garth announced.

Immediately, Dean became aware of a loud banging from downstage left.

"Dammit, that trap door!" Dean muttered as he made his way onstage.

Rehearsal had to pause as Dean struggled to open the hatch he'd built into the stage.

"Mr. Winchester, may I have a word?" Crowley inquired from his seat in the house.

"When you suggested this whole trap door contraption back in September, I supported you. You built it to the best of your abilities, and we have thoroughly tried to incorporate it into the show!"

As Dean listened, he had a sinking feeling as to where Crowley was going with this.

"We open on Friday, we have three more rehearsals after tonight, and I think its time that both you and I work out a contingency plan here…"

"I swear Crowley, I can-"

"My mind is made up, Mr. Winchester, please set the stage back to the beginning of Act 3, scene 4, and we'll do it all again!"

"Yeah, sure, whatever!" Dean could feel the tension working up from his shoulders and settling into his jaw. 

"What happened?" Cas asked his voice thick with concern.

"Crowley scrapped the trap door entirely!"

"Oh, Dean. I'm so sorry, I know how hard you worked on that!" As he spoke, Castiel tried to pull his boyfriend into a hug, but Dean swatted his hands before pushing him away.

"Alright, everybody, back to the beginning of the scene! Cas, go help Becky reset the banquet table, okay?" Dean growled, his voice was low and filled with anger. 

"Yeah, sure, Dean…" 

Castiel's heart sank as he watched his boyfriend sulk away. As he reset the table props, Cas could feel pangs of anxiety surging inside his chest. He checked his watch, it was only just after nine, and there was still an hour left of rehearsal. Fidgeting, Cas made his way back to the scene shop to call Mary and ask her about bringing him some lorazepam, just in case. As he slumped into the desk chair to pull out his phone, a brand new package of xacto blades caught his eye. Without thinking about it, Cas pocketed one, his thoughts tracking back to his conversation with Meg while in the hospital. Absentmindedly, he stood and began walking away from the scene shop. Before he knew it, he was up the main stairs and in search of the empty boys' bathroom somewhere beyond.


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I tried to be vague and focus more on Castiel's feelings than writing a graphic description of self-harm. If you're concerned about being triggered though, you might want to skip the first section at the very top of the page.

Slight, sharp and metallic, the blade seemed almost weightless resting in the palm of Castiel's hand. His heart thumped loudly in his chest, his breathing rate picked up, and Cas knew that a panic attack was imminent. Yet his intentions were clear now, and with that clarity came a strange sort of calmness. Gripping the blade in his right hand, he retraced horizontal lines of the inked checkerboard pattern that adorned his wrist and forearm from earlier in the day. He felt numb to the pain as the quick little slits rapidly filled in with red and began to trickle downward. Immense relief washed over Cas just then, and with every drop of blood, he felt closer to achieving peace.

He must have zoned out after that because the next thing Cas knew, his pocket was frantically buzzing, and Dean's voice was flowing from his phone. As though in a dreamlike haze, Castiel agreed to meet him back in the theater building. Somehow time had managed to speed up, and it was now past 10 pm. Hurriedly, Cas blotted his arm with toilet paper before attempting to rinse off under the sink. The sharp sensation of the water stinging his cuts jolted him back into reality. Briefly, he paused to adjust his sleeves over his injuries and glance at himself in the mirror.

Dean was locking up the scene shop when Cas shuffled up beside him. Still somewhat dazed, Castiel followed his boyfriend out to the student parking lot where the Impala was waiting. No attempts at conversation were made on the way home. Dean was clearly exhausted and still extremely pissed off from rehearsal. Cas, on the other hand, felt totally blissed out as he pressed his forehead against the passenger side window. Once back at home, both boys went straight to sleep in their respective beds. Dean, already on autopilot, only hesitated long enough to reset his alarm clock.

***

At lunch, Dean surprised Cas with takeout from Blue Ribbon BBQ upon his arrival backstage in the scene shop.

"I'm sorry that I was such a dick to you last night…"

"So, you're bribing me with Barbecued food?" Cas muttered, eying the takeout.

"Umm." Dean swallowed hard, as the beginning of a guilty smile tugged at his lips.

"No worries, I accept your apology, Dean. And I get that you were really stressed out about the trapdoor and such."

"Thanks for understanding man,"

Without another word, Cas hungrily dug into his Barbecued feast. It had been an earlier than usual morning, and he had opted to skip breakfast in favor of finishing his math homework. Nearly inhaling his meal of pulled pork, baked beans, coleslaw, and potato wedges, Castiel could feel his stomach starting to bulge over his waistband. Despite this, he continued to eat more, feeling out of control insatiable.

"Walk you to class, Cas? Heck, I'll even carry your books…" Dean joked.

"I'm actually perfectly capable of not only getting to my next class but also carrying my own things, Dean," Cas grumbled as he heaved his sachel back over his shoulder.

"Yeah, Dean! The 1950s called, and they want their machismo back!" Charlie sniped, grinning at him.

"Ok, ok! Apparently, it's a crime to try and be a gentleman nowadays,"

As Dean bantered, he reached out an arm and hooked his finger into Castiel's empty belt loop. Without thinking, Cas flinched away as Dean's elbow grazed too closely to his cuts from the night before.

"Whoah! Cas, you ok?"

"Yeah, I'm just- I'm really full right now." Cas sighed and placed a hand over his rounded stomach before taking another step away from his boyfriend.

"Umm, sure ok…" Dean worriedly chewed at his lip.

As Cas turned to leave, Dean found himself filled with a lingering sense of dread over their unusual interaction. Castiel was definitely acting weird again, Dean just wasn't sure yet as to why.

***

Shit. SHIT. What was up with Cas?

Questions burned through Dean's mind as he attempted to concentrate and stay focused on the remainder of his classes. Cas had definitely taken all his meds that morning, and he'd slept through the night restfully, seemingly without incident. Maybe Cas was still annoyed at him about his immature behavior at yesterday's rehearsal? Dean frowned as he recalled the events of the previous night, Castiel had been nothing but supportive of him in every way… And what had Dean done to repay him? He had given in to his anger and frustration over the stupid play and then been intentionally distant.

"I'm so STUPID!" Dean groaned aloud unexpectedly.

"Did you have something to add, Mr. Winchester?" Ms. Hanscum asked abruptly as the whole class stopped to look at Dean.

"Uh, nope, sorry."

After eying Dean suspiciously for a moment or two longer, Ms. Hanscum returned to their lesson.  
Guilt-stricken and embarrassed, Dean opted to skip his last classes of the day in favor of trying to nap backstage. He presented his teacher with an old undated note from Bobby and then headed down to the pit and the comfortable leather couch that lived there. Within moments of laying down, Dean found himself overtaken by sleep. In the quiet darkness of the theater, his eyes fluttered shut, and he dreamlessly slept all the way through until afternoon rehearsal.


	16. Chapter 16

Opening night came, bringing with it a familiar and much-needed sense of calm. While the actors busied themselves with fancy breathing methods and other attempts to stave off stage fright, Dean remained confident. Over the last couple of months, the crew had scrutinized every aspect of the production. They'd spent many long hours building, painting, hanging lights, and programming the board. They could now rest assured that the success of the show was all but inevitable.

Dean paced the wings, trying to avoid getting unnecessarily caught up in any last-minute emergencies. Decked out in his black army surplus jumpsuit and an old pair converse all-stars, he fiddled with his flashlight before securing his headset. Benny, Charlie, and even Becky, the Stage Manager, had already checked in as curtain call began to loom. Castiel, however, still had as of yet to make an appearance for the evening. Walking back and forth, Dean did his best to stay calm and push down all of his feelings and concerns.

Since the Dress Rehearsal, Dean worried that he was getting out of sync with his boyfriend. He'd continued trying to apologize for his general pig-headedness and stupid mistakes all week long. Additionally, he'd made Castiel special breakfasts, wrote him cutesy love notes, and even allowed him to pick the music whenever they drove. Despite all of these efforts, Castiel still shied away from Dean's advances and stayed distant.

***

Castiel, struggled for fifteen minutes straight, trying to pull on the hand-me-down black shirt from Dean. Way too long in the sleeves, the light fabric clung to his midsection, awkwardly displaying his recent weight gain. He watched his profile in the mirror as he sighed out the breath he'd been holding in. Unsurprisingly, the hem of his tee began to sneak upwards, once again exposing the lower curve of his stomach.

"At least the stage will be dark," he muttered to himself.

Castiel hadn't felt nearly so self-conscious since the summer his parents had ditched him and Michael in Vermont. Gabriel, having been left in charge, proceeded to ban "all healthy foods" from their household. Stocking up on copious amounts of junk food, his brother had mandated their freezer remain full of Ben & Jerry's ice cream at all times. Every morning the brothers would wake and bake, taking giant hits off of Gabriel's monster-sized bong. Castiel spent the next three months stoned out of his mind with a nearly permanent case of the munchies.

When his parents finally did return home, Naomi had scolded Gabriel relentlessly for letting his little brother get so fat. At the time, Castiel had allowed his mother to instill within him a burning sense of shame, taking to heart her hurtful lectures about his body. By the end of August, before his 15th birthday, Castiel hit a growth spurt. Shooting up at least three inches overnight, his overall physique became acceptably long and lanky once more.

***

As the digital display on his cellphone ticked up to 6:30 PM, Castiel abandoned his fashion crisis in favor of finding Dean. His head swimming with anticipation, he passed by the dressing rooms on his way to the main theater building. Jo Harvelle, already in full stage makeup, called out to him as he passed by.

"Cas?Castiel? Yeah, you! Any chance that you have a lighter?"

Absentmindedly, Castiel reached into his trench coat pocket and pulled out his lucky Zippo.

"See, I knew I liked you!" Jo exclaimed.

Trading Castiel a cigarette from her pack of American Spirits, she led him by the hand to the emergency exit. Cracking open the door and then propping it with a stage weight, she leaned against the brick exterior of the school. After lighting both of their cigarettes, Castiel took a long drag off of his. Thinking back, he couldn't quite pinpoint the last time he'd permitted himself to smoke.

"So, you're like dating Dean Winchester, right?" Jo asked, exhaling smoke between her teeth.

Castiel nodded in agreement before taking another drag.

"That's cool. We dated back in Elementary school- Dean's, uh, well- he's grown up significantly since way back then. I'm thrilled Mary's got her shit together nowadays- I think everything must be much better now that John is out of the picture!"

Castiel tilted his head sideways with confusion as he looked over at Jo. She shrugged briefly in response before extinguishing her cigarette and heading back inside. Castiel wondered just what exactly Jo was eluding to. In spite of all the time he'd spent with Dean, the topic of his father, the infamous John Winchester had never come up. Finishing his cigarette, Castiel chucked the stub out into the night. Glancing back at his phone, he startled in realizing just how late it had suddenly gotten. Slamming the emergency exit door shut with an echoing bang, he hightailed it to the theater building.

***

"Might you possibly have eyes on Cas anywhere out in the house, Charlie?" Dean asked into his headset.

"Sorry, not as of yet... Have you spoken to him since lunchtime?" Charlie asked.

"Yeah, he had an errand and some homework to do... He's just been a little out of it today-"

"He’s probably just nervous, like that time you tried to kill off the lead of the Miracle Worker back in grade nine..." Charlie giggled.

"Oh, my word! For the last time that wasn't my fault Charlie! I had my back to the stage, and someone triggered my cue light early! Plus, Ruby only needed a couple of stitches and ended up making a full recovery-"

Dean paused as two thick arms hugged him firmly from behind. Spinning around in place, he turned to face Castiel at last.

"Hello, Dean." His boyfriend whispered before planting a kiss.

Ignoring the lingering smokey smell and taste of tobacco on Castiel's lips, Dean Instead looked over the other boy. Entirely clad in backstage black, Dean felt a pang of warmth. He took a moment to marvel at his boyfriend's shining blue eyes and perpetually mussed hair before pulling him closer and kissing him back. A satisfied smile flickered across Dean's face as he reveled in their combined closeness. What could he possibly have done so, right? Dean wondered to himself how he'd even managed to find someone so wonderful such as Castiel.


	17. Chapter 17

Friday night’s sold-out performance ran smoothly, culminating with a standing ovation for the entire cast and crew. Despite it being the middle of November, the night air felt muggy to Castiel. Fanning himself with a playbill, he tried to ignore the sweat dripping down his back and pooling around his armpits. It had been a good enough day and Castiel was wary not to push his luck with worries that could trigger an anxiety attack.

Everyone was still amped up and giddy from the show, as they waited in front of the school for Dean to finish locking up. Charlie swung Jo in circles dancing and singing songs from the Rocky Horror Picture Show. Meanwhile Benny crossed his arms and leaned against the cement pillars of the school.

“Hey uh Cas, I’m really sorry about that whole chicken nugget thing, ” Benny apologized, his gaze slipping briefly to study his shoe.

“Oh, uh yeah.” Castiel forced a smile back, nodding at the unpleasant memory.

Benny returned the smile while reaching into his jacket and pulling out a small flask. After knocking back a couple sips, his voice became deeper and his cajun accent more prominent.

“So no hard feelings then, brother?” Benny drawled offering Castiel the flask.

“Nope, none at all!” Castiel beamed before graciously taking a long swig of Rum. It had been what seemed like forever since he’d had alcohol of any kind. He hadn’t even realized, until now just how much he’d missed the taste or the soothing burn at the back of his throat.

“Onward! To IHOP!” Charlie announced joyfully as Dean pulled the impala around and everyone clamored inside.

“So what’s the deal with IHOP?” Castiel asked sliding down the bench seat next to Dean.

“Well for one, it’s a tradition-“ Dean began before being cut off by Charlie.

“A great and time-honored tradition. One that has been passed down from generation to generation of high school theatre technicians...”

“Yeah that, and, it’s one of the only places around here that’s open this time of night. Plus they serve pie and have breakfast all day long!”

Grinning and preoccupied with thoughts of bacon, Dean squeezed Castiel’s knee before shifting the car into drive.

***

The alcohol hit Castiel’s system faster than he’d expected. While mostly the fault of his meds lowering his tolerance, having also skipped dinner that night wasn’t doing him any favors either. Stumbling a bit as the waitress led them to their table, he shrugged It off as just being overly tired from the long week prior.

Pleasantly buzzed, Castiel felt for once completely in his element, among his boyfriend and small tribe of friends. Ordering a full breakfast of strawberry waffles, scrambled eggs, and bacon, Cas alternated between sharing in the witty banter and scarfing down all of his food. By the end of the night and with the help of Benny’s flask, Castiel’s head was sufficiently swimming. Dean, however, being the good boyfriend that he was had chosen not to comment on Castiel’s out of character behavior. Opting instead, to sit back and simply enjoy the teenage normality of the evening.

***

Saturday Night’s closing performance was by far the most stressful run yet. Midway through Act II the turntable had stopped working and sent everyone backstage into panic mode. Scene changes had to be improvised with Charlie providing longer than usual blackouts to accommodate extra people on stage. Meanwhile, Dean dove underneath the platforms to investigate all of the wheels for a potential snag or jam. Pressure mounted as the play progressed, Dean following the dialogue on stage as he worked, knew that they were rapidly approaching the big dinner party scene in Act III. Without a functional turntable, hauling the necessary set pieces on and off stage would be nearly impossible.

Bearing down hard on his bite lite, Dean surveyed the remaining wheels before identifying the culprit. Fingers gripping at sticky strands and bubble gum scented debris, Dean fervently dislodged a disgustingly large wad of gum from just inside the wheel track. Ignoring the slight of cold jagged metal and splintered wood against his bare skin, Dean emerged from beneath the scenery. The stage went dark, the turntable groaned to life once more and the play continued without anyone in the audience being the wiser.

By the end of the show, the crew was exhausted yet still had to wait for Crowley’s closing night speech to commence. Totaling twenty minutes in all, the director laid out his gratitude for the community’s support of the theater program. Everyone knew the importance of closing night thank you’s however, as it directly correlated to their annual production budget overall.

Dean was pretty much done, as his adrenaline waned he felt residual tension and stiffness spread throughout his upper body. His shoulders and forearms badly ached from where he had knocked them against the underside of the turntable. Mentally depleted, he wanted nothing more than to curl up in a cozy bed with Cas and just call it a night.

“But you have to at least make an appearance at the cast party Dean,” Charlie complained while trying out her best puppy dog eyes.

“I dunno Charlie, it's already been kind of a long night…”

“What party? There’s a party?” Castiel inquired, resting his chin on Dean’s shoulder.

“Its just the cast party. So essentially, all the same actors we’ve had ‘the pleasure’ of working with this semester- Except now with the added bonus that they’ll all be exceedingly drunk!” Dean scoffed.

"Come on, Deeean! Cas has NEVER even been to a cast party before, and now you're going to go and deprive him of the experience- Even after all his hard work on this show??" Charlie whined.

"She does have a point Dean, I mean, I have never been to a cast party before..."

Castiel looked longingly at his boyfriend, his ocean blue eyes silently pleading with Dean to drop his hesitant resolve. Although mildly concerned by the immense power this boy managed to hold over his heart, Dean gave in anyway. Sighing deeply before conceding, he slowly nodded a 'yes' in the direction of his friends. Pausing momentarily, Dean accepted a chaste open mouth kiss from Castiel before being whisked away into the night.

***

Whatever Jack Kline's house may have lacked in ambiance it more than made up for in abundance of alcohol and lack of parental supervision. Obnoxiously loud music was already blasting all the way out to the curb as Dean pulled up in the impala. Charlie excitedly made her escape, bounding out of the car as soon as she could. Linking arms with Castiel she pulled him along beside her and into the small townhouse before Dean could object. Grimacing in disgust at the thought of being surrounded by masses of sweaty drunken teenagers, Dean reluctantly followed behind his friends.

Inside the party, the house was dimly lit. Everything smelled thickly of cheap incense and weak attempts at masking the pot smoke billowing down from upstairs. Dean had to scan the crowded living room for several minutes before laying eyes on either his best friend or his boyfriend. When he finally did reunite with them, they were off towards the far side of the room nearer to the kitchen.

His boyfriend was all smiles as Dean approached, still, arm in arm with Charlie and giggling as they chatted with Jo and Benny. Happily, Castiel munched on handfuls of potato chips, while alternating sips from a large plastic cup. As Dean wrapped his arms around his boyfriend, the smell of hard liquor hit him full force. Without asking, Dean snagged Castiel’s cup, taking a quick whiff, he then tried not to gag.

"Are you sure you're not drinking paint thinner?" Dean quipped.

Castiel shrugged, sidestepping and leaning back further into his boyfriend's embrace. A deep alcohol-induced blush reddened his cheeks, as he shyly glanced at Dean.

"Just Charlie's interpretation of a Tequila Sunrise. 'S pretty good you should try it," Castiel slurred a bit, pushing his drink back into Dean's hands.

"Sadly I'll have to pass! I can't exactly drink and still safely drive us home tonight, can I?"

An edge was beginning to form in Dean's voice, threatening to expose his general level of discomfort. Secretly, he hated being around really drunk people. It was an all too familiar reminder of not so long ago when his Dad still lived at home.

Oblivious to his boyfriend's unease, Castiel proceeded to get completely hammered. Downing every drink that Charlie supplied him with like it was his job. Eventually, Dean felt the need to step in and intervene as Castiel’s drinking began to spiral.

Swaying and struggling to stand upright, Castiel didn’t put up a fight after Dean managed to confiscate his cup. Visibly distraught by the deteriorating state of his boyfriend, Dean considered calling his mother. Guilt swirled within him, as he became increasingly concerned about Castiel’s meds mixing badly with all of the booze.

As they meandered towards the exit, another cloud of marijuana smoke settled upon the party.

"Aww, there was pot? Dean, we didn't even get to smoke any pot!"

Dean rolled his eyes as he steered his boyfriend back outside to the car.

”I know, it's really such a shame!” Dean deadpanned as he buckled Castiel into his seatbelt securely.

As the Impala roared to life, Castiel lost his battle with consciousness. Slumping over, he succumbed to the overwhelming waves of dizziness. As his eyes slid shut, Castiel’s head lolled back against the passenger side window and he was out cold.


End file.
